Vent - looking for advice

[blasson]

I've been with my wife the last 7 years and when we got together she had a 1yo daughter who I've been raising since. She's 8 years old and doesn't really know her father. He was in jail when we met. She left him when she found out he was breaking into people's homes and robbing them. Months later he got busted and spent like 3 years in jail. He's been out for roughly 5 years and has zero rights to his daughter. We gave him MANY chances to see her and to get back into her life and when she'd go, he'd call us up hour or so later to pick her back up, or drop her off to his moms house and go clubbing. Multiple times he threatened to take my life and I begged him to come meet up with me to handle it one on one in the front yard etc. he's caused nothing but drama in our lives when he was around and owes us over 30k in child support which money isn't the issue but just icing on the cake. He went over a year without trying to contact his daughter and now he just hit my wife back up last night wanting to see her again. Has this sob story how he changed and wants to be back in her life. So we talked and my stipulation was we need to have a sitting face to face just us 3 before he is allowed to see her. And yes I am protective over her. At the end of the day I'm her father for all I'm concerned since I raised her and he's his POS wanna be thug trying to play gangsta. So we gave him the option of that and he wants to play thug again saying that's not an option etc. we were stern with it and he finally gave in. If this dude comes at me with some smart ass remarks I don't know if I'll be able to keep my composure and not smash this little faggot. Once I start I black out and I won't stop. Should I stay back and let them go alone or should I be in that conversation since I'm the one raising her. I just don't want to end up in jail but I also don't want him to disrespect my wife either and me not be able to defend her. So mind fucked I want to smash him right now. Should I just swallow my pride and let him mouth off? Lol idk if km built that way.


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[Paulrockr]

Dude I been there, however at thirty I'd would have given the guy a dirt nap if things were like that. Now at 46 stronger and meaner than I ever was, I think you should be there in some capacity. Hang in the wings and remain composed, if he's half the bitch you think he is that will be enough for a little possible act right on his part. Either way your the dad not a replacement. Does the kid know him? What does she think. How does she feel about it? People do aver time have the capacity to change however , a bitch mother fucker will always be just that. Just my opinion.

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[blasson]

The last time I seen him he was dropping her off over a year ago at my boys house just 2 hours after he grabbed her. He parked 4 houses down the road and made my wife go walk there to grab her bc we were all outside watching ufc fights. I over heard him call her a bitch so I ran up on him and he literally dove in the passenger window and made his girl at the time drive off. He's a punk. But to answer your question if she knows him.. Yea she knows him. She calls him Dustin and me daddy. She's seen him maybe 10x since he's out. She just don't understand fully the situation. we didn't tell her yet now though because if the talk doesn't go right she ain't going. He has zero rights per court orders and we'll have to go to court again for it to be changed. We were trying to be bigger adults but he doesn't allow it.


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[mig139]

Clean the house of all gear and as soon as he steps out of place choke him... Make him see that he is alive because you choose not to kill him... Look at him in the eye and as he is sofocating tell him how his life belongs to you.... He won't press charges, he is am ex-con, cops won't believe him....

 

[HTFU]

Just move to Texas and and when he comes on your property, shoot him in the fucking head.. Cops gave me permission with my girls ex.. Dudes a POS

 

[AkProGuy]

Don't worry bout the dead beat sperm donor. You already won the game and any attempt he makes from now on is worthless. Of course if the BITCH threatens you in any way make tomato soup out of him. 🙂

 

[misterB]

be the dad, ignore that shit and focus on the child. she needs a strong male role model . when he mouths off step up, but don't initiate .

 

[LittleTom]

gotta love this place... we have everything from looking into his eyes while you squeeze the life out of him to being the better man. I am somewhere in the middle. I would tell him to fuck off he has had enough chances. If he wants to see her get a fucking lawyer. If he presses the issue then all bets are off. I have a bit of a temper...

 

[blasson]

Haha Lt you're right. I'm just getting on now to read responses and as I was reading I was getting amped up playing scenerios in my head. Then misterb chimed in and made me rethink it all. I know if things go down it will be bad and I'll prob go to jail. I don't need that against me as I already have 2 counts of simple battery from some dumb bar fight back in the day which wasn't even my fault. But that's another story. I think the second he mouths off well end the conversation there and he'll have to get a lawyer. Which if i have to drop money on lawyer then that 30k child support in rears will be brought right back up and he can go back to jail. Won't have to worry about him for a while after that. He has no leg to stand on.

If he truly changed it will show once we sit down and meet. But the way he was texting I don't think he did. But if he did then I have zero objections of him seeing his daughter. I'm not that type of guy to hold grudges but will protect all my kids over anything.. I forget and forgive very easily unless it's a repetitive thing. But this will be his last chance he has outside of courts.


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[49ER]

If you go to jail he wins.... This is of course me thinking like a normal adult but if i was in your place id have a hard time controlling my anger. Not sure how close him and your kid are but he jasnt been involved personally id make him jump through hoops and start with supervised visits and see how bad he wants this relationship.

He may do more harm than good if he pops back in builds a bond then dissapears again. I went through something similar and my babys mom broke my 13yr olds heart. I finally told the bitch to fuck off after failimg to follow through several times to see her baby. Ive now had custody 10 years and she gave up

 

[blasson]

You're right he will win. Then he could use that against us in court. that I'm violent and he's trying to change with this sob story and make me look like a POS when I've been the one who was trying to be civil.

The visits will be sort of like that, that's why we want to talk and lay ground rules. We want to start off with a few hours once a week and they go to his moms house and only there for the visits. We will drop her of and pick her up. She won't lie for him either. Never has. Which is why we always knew he wouldn't keep her the few times he had her. He's pawn her off in family. And just take it from there. Maybe in a few months she'll get to go for the night on a weekend or something. But this is his absolute last chance if I have any say so. Which my wife will not do anything behind my back so I'm not worried on that part.

And prob bro for doing the right thing. It's hard for a male to win custody over a mother in the states. Props for sticking to your guns and doing what's right for your child!!


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[49ER]

Ya we were both drug addicts when we met and when we split up i finally got my shit together and right on time after 1 year clean she got my daughter taken by cps and i was able to take over. Just try to keep it together i know it must feel like a huge burden to have changes in your normal life and now have to deal with some low life

 

[MattyIce]

Dude, chill the fuck out. It's not worth it. You can only cause problems for you and your family. What message do you want to send to your daughter? Be smart. Fighting solves nothing, no one wins...especially in this situation. There is only one loser and that would be your daughter. Believe me when I tell you that I have been in too many fights to even count... For years fighting 2,3,4 times a week. Smile, say it how it is and go about your business raising that little girl. Good luck!

 

[JuicedVenom]

Chill out, just like MisterB and Mattyice said. Why would you want to stoop to his level? That just shows that you're on the gangsta side just like he is. Be a man and a role model for that child. Do you want to cause all this bullshit and stress and have the child involved and then what? you go to jail and now a child has no father figure at all!! Come on bro I got four kids. Do not let the thug or the bullshit get in the way of being a good person. The best thing you can do is just let life happen as it will and if he gets out of line , just have a report filed therefore you don't look like the bad guy. Don't listen to these people trying to tell you to do something stupid !!!!bro you going to end up in jail and then what?

 

[T-bar]

There's another route that will put the burden on this guy rather than on you or your wife. Agree to meet, but that the meeting has to be with a family therapist of your choosing. If at the end of the meeting the therapist feels it is in the best interest of the child then you will agree to whatever visitation she suggests.

This way you're not the bad guy and the courts can't be used against you. If he doesn't agree then he looks like a dick to the judge. If he does agree and he hasn't changed his ways then the therapist will make the call and testify as to why she felt he was a danger to the child. Just make sure you have a session with her first so that you can lay out all of your concerns.

But do not let him just come over to your house. Even if the therapist says he should be able to see her you'll want to make it at a public park or the library. Don't ever let that piece of shit step foot into your private world.

 

[Joebad1]

I would want him to come to my house then you will have the upper hand since it is your property if something does happen..I would let them talk but be there just in case he started bumping them gums then shut him down quick.I really think if you are there and he is a bitch like you said earlier he will know better than to flap off at you so really no worries..

 

[blasson]

Thanks guys. Seriously. I had red in my eyes when all the past got brought up again and I wasn't thinking straight. I kept replaying in my head the shit that went down before and got mad all over again. I'll keep things civil as best as I can and will just gladly walk away if it starts to go south. I'll swallow my pride. I already know he's a punk and proved it multiple times. What I really want is to end the nonsense and truly hope he can grow up so we can just get passed it all. I'm getting too old for this dumb drama. Already had 3 surgeries on my hands from fighting. Pins twice and now I have plates with screws. Time to grow up I guess and worry about my happiness at home vs letting punks like that get under my skin.


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[T-bar]

Well said. It's about winning the war, not the battle.

 

[blasson]

Appreciate it fellas. Had some SOLID advice in there. Deep down I knew it but sometimes you gotta hear it from others to confirm


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[49ER]

I'll go ahead and take the credit for turning the advice into positive lol