Slayer's Den

[01dragonslayer]

Brad Borland

64 Ways to Tell if You're a Gym Idiot​

Why do commercial gyms world-wide catch such a bad rap? They are riddled with a$$holes.

What follows are 64 of the most predominant types of a$$holes in the gym. How many are you forced to train next to?

#1 - Half-Repper​

The half-repper is arguably the most notorious a$$hole in existence. They use too much weight, claim "bad knee syndrome" as a reason for half-squatting, or are lissfully ignorant of their sloppy form. This is what you call a gate-way a$$hole; half-repping leads to more offensive dick moves later on.

#2 - The Excuse Giver​

"I can't squat because I have bad knees."
"I can only leg press because I have a bad back."
"I can't make gains because I'm a hard-gainer."

Whatever the situation, they have an excuse why they can't do it. They spew negativity and try to put you in the same box as them. Make sure to steer clear of the excuse giver unless you want to lose your motivation as well.

If I can tell where you've been just from the smell in the air, you're an a$$hole.

#3 - The Ab Checker​

In between sets of dumbbell curls supersettted with side lateral raises, these a$$holes check to see if their abs have magically appeared. These guys generally have multiple a$$hole tendencies.

Some examples:

• The ab checking dumbbell guardian
• The ab checking creeper
• The ab checking, sweatpants and string top wearing screamer

The last is a well-evolved a$$hole who has spent many hours in the gym honing in on being such an incredible douche that even his friends won't work out beside him.

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I don't care what you do outside of the gym, if you come to the gym with a lip full of dip and have to go spit in the trash can in between sets (or worse, reps) then you are an a$$hole.

There are some unicorn a$$holes who like to bring their spit bottles with them leaving them on the smith machine they were doing curl throws on... these are the worse.

#5 - The Weight Dropper​

If you are one of those people who like to drop dumbbells as hard as you can and look around to see who you've pissed off, I tip my hat to you. To be such an asshole that you purposely try to break equipment, and make a spectacle when doing half-rep overhead dumbbell tricep extensions with 35s, slamming them on the ground - now this is a feat.

It never ceases to piss me off seeing all of the dumbbells that get bent because of this.

#6 - The Lingerer​

There are two types of lingerers; the front desk jockey, and the one that is like a fly around a turd. Both are unwanted and are like a lingering fart.

If you spend more time trying to hit on the front desk girl or guy (hey I don't judge) then you might be one of these people.

#7 - Sweaty Guy​

Being sweaty is cool and all, but if you're leaving a snail trail everywhere you go, especially on the machines without cleaning up... you're a dick.

Nothing is worse than laying your head into a cold pile of body juice that isn't yours.

Bro, wipe yourself down before you plop yourself down. No one wants to swim in your back or crack sweat.

#8 - Unsolicited Advice Giver​

There is a guru in every gym. He will cite the "correct" angle of attack that you must use when doing your lat pull downs to effectively recruit all muscle fibers and decrease the use of your tibias.

These a$$holes are some of the most intrusive individuals you will come across, and generally don't even lift at all. Headphones can't even keep these guys away.

#9 - The Water Fountain Shaker Maker​

I'm not sure why these people think they can get away with making protein cakes and BCAA rainbows in the water fountain without cleaning it up. You should be more worried about someone punching you in the face instead of your anabolic window closing.

#10 - The Cologne Bather​

If you bathe in cologne before you go to the gym, you have quite a few things wrong with you. You don't impress anyone smelling like balls and cologne.

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We all know what you're hiding under those baggy sweatpants 🙂

#12 - The Squat Rack Curler​

90% of the gyms I've been to have straight bar and EZ Curl bars in the dumbbell area made for curling. If you are going to be king a$$hole and curl in the squat rack, please do more than 95 pounds and make sure everyone in the gym sees you doing it.

#13 - The Phone Talker​

Some people have important calls they are waiting on, but talking on the phone in between sets just show you are not serious.

But please be an a$$hole and hog the machine talking loudly about your epic night last night. We are all jealous.

#14 - Dumbbell Guardian​

For some reason this a$$hole feels the need to keep 3 or more sets of dumbbells sprawled around his area. Who knows that he's doing - some sort of superset drop set.

These guys generally throw the dumbbells around, landing near your feet. They are bound to break an ankle or toe if you stand too close to their area.

Their kryptonite is simply taking just one of their dumbbells and using it. Watch them have a meltdown.

#15 - The Pencil Pusher​

I'm all about keeping a log. I carry one and I urge everyone to do the same.

If you have to bring 2 notepads, 3 folders, a calculator, stop watch, and a box of pens with you to keep track of your training, you may be doing it wrong.

Please take up the bench beside you and use it as your desk. it's only the right thing to do.

#16 - The Fountain of Knowledge​

don't get this guy mixed up with the unsolicited advice giver. This a$$hole isn't as bad, but still deserves a spot.

The fountain of knowledge is a douchebag that hovers around the water fountain dragging anyone that happens to be thirsty into a deep conversation. it's no wonder some people bring a gallon jug with them to the gym.

If you are going to be such an a$$hole that you wear a belt while performing your whole arm workout, make sure to pull your shirt over it to "hide" it.

#17 - The Creeper​

it's all fun and games until someone creeps on you. If you spend more time trying to hit on females or watching them than you train, you might be an a$$hole.

#18 - The Crew Bringer​

Having a training partner can be beneficial. It helps you push harder. If you need to have a posse of other like-minded a$$holes in the gym in one big flock of bros, please make sure they take up every machine around you and tell you how good of a job you're doing.

#19 - The Guy Who Asks You to Take Their Picture Posing​

No one wants to take a picture of you posing, dude.

Up your a$$hole level and get a selfie stick.

#20 - The Weight Slammer​

Unless you are trying to make music by slamming the weights when putting them back, there is no need to be such an a$$hole. Please keep chipping plates and breaking the cable crossover machine so nobody can use them.

#21 - The Weight Belt Wearer​

Protecting your core is important. No one wants a hernia or a snapped up back.

If you are going to be such an a$$hole that you wear a belt while performing your whole arm workout, make sure to pull your shirt over it to "hide" it. I'd hate to see you throw your back out doing your preacher curls.

#22 - The Portable Supplement Store​

This person has a gym bag solely to ensure he keeps his anabolic wide open. Generally they have over $300 worth of supplements in their bag including testosterone boosters, a pre-workout, BCAAs, and don't forget the huge jug of protein.

Simply having supplements in your bag doesn't make you an a$$hole, but when you mix them all in the water fountain and make a mess while lugging the bag around with you while you train...that makes you the a$$hole.

#23 - Bosu Ball Trainer​

I'm not sure who started this trend but all I can do is stop and watch. I don't want to see people get hurt but Darwinism has to kick in eventually.

So please, carry on with your bosu ball pistol squats.

#24 - The Nut Spotter​

I made the mistake of asking a stranger to spot me once (and only once) and it was terrible.

Unless you want a face full of soggy nuts as you are trying to bench press bench, make sure to ask people you know for a spot.

#25 - Your Warmups Require a Spotter​

If your warmups require a spotter to warm up, you might be an a$$hole.

#26 - Tight Shorts Guy​

Dude really, no one wants to see your mangina.

#27 - Circuit Trainer​

Please take up all 5 machines at the same time and don't let anyone work in with you.

#28 - Bench Every Day Guy​

I saw you bench yesterday and 2 days before that. I don't care how much noise you make, your 225 bench does not impress me.

Spotting on the bench press is a good thing. Placing your nuts in the face of a random stranger, a bad thing.

#29 - You Need a Spotter for Curls​

If you ask me if for a spot and bring me over to the dumbbell rack, one of us won't be walking away.

#30 - You Use the GHR for Sit Ups​

Simple mistake, but get a clue.

#31 - Machine Spotter​

I've never been a huge fan of going to complete failure, but when you use more weight than you can do even one rep without getting a spot, get a clue.

#32 - The Cutter​

Take my weights again and see what happens.

#33 - The Gym Crapper​

Bro take a dump before you get to the gym.

The last thing I want to smell is the combination of air freshener and your dump. I call it $hitrus.

Keep it down bro. We all know how epic your workut is.

#34 - Screamer​

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice with your screaming like you're hurt and you're an a$$hole.

#35 - The Head Banger​

If it looks like you're head banging to some death metal while you're doing shrugs, you're an a$$hole.

#36 - The Conversationalist​

Nobody cares about your job or what you did last night..I'm training.

#37 - The Smeller​

If I can tell where you've been just from the smell in the air, you're an a$$hole.

#38 - The Random Water Bottle Drinker​

If you watch carefully, some guys pick up random water bottles, drink them, and act like they didn't know it wasn't theirs.

Please pick up a spit bottle one day and drink it.

#39 - The Daily Max Attempt Guy​

If you max attempt almost every time you are in the gym, it's no wonder you are weak. Quit being an attention whore and make some gains.

#40 - The Looker​

Generally, the looker is someone who looks around to see if people are watching before they do a set. They also like to be a weight slammer or a dumbbell dropper.

#41 - Mirror Poser​

Of course you have abs, you weigh as much as my girlfriend. No one cares and I'm trying to get to the dumbbells you are blocking, a$$hole.

#42 - The Reverse Pyramid Designer​

Leave the pyramids in Egypt and quit making reverse pyramids with the weights. Match the numbers with the amount the plate weighs.

#43 - The Plate Stealer​

These guys love stealing plates in the middle of your set. If you can kneecap one of them while training, you get 10 points.

Your leg press sets are amazing! Now take your butt back to the machine and unload your plates, please.

#44 - Leg Press Sandwich Maker​

Pile on the plates until you can't pile them on anymore. If you want to be even more of an a$$hole, leave them for the next person to deal with.

#45 - The Hover-Round​

There are two types of hover-rounds; the one that has no personal bubble, and the one that walks the whole gym in between sets.

Both are annoying and both usually have 2 or more other a$$hole qualities about them.

#46 - The Quote Screamer​

Scream "lightweight" or "ain't nothing but a peanut" again and see what happens.

#47 - The Staring A$$hole​

The creeper creeps on people, but the staring a$$hole makes it known he's staring at you.

#48 - The Day Care Guy​

don't get mad at me if I yell at your kid for swinging on my weights before I try to bench press.

I have headphones on for a reason, bro.

#49 - The Headphone Talker​

The general rule of thumb is if someone has their headphones on, they don't want to talk. Why do these a$$holes use this as a reason to specifically talk to us?

#50 - The Picture Taker​

At least you aren't such a douchebag to ask someone else to take pictures of you posing. You are why selfie sticks are a booming industry.

#51 - You Use the Word Bro​

If you use the word bro as a noun, verb, and an adjective, you might be an a$$hole.

#52 - The Spotter​

No I don't need a spot, quit trying to fish for someone to talk to.

#53 - The Towel Swiper​

Nothing is worse than someone swiping your towel to wipe up their body juice. Just keep it.

#54 - The Grunter​

They are everywhere, sound like they are about to have an orgasm, and are just warming up.

#55 - The Middle Set Questioner​

No I'm not almost done. No I won't let you work in. No I don't need a spot.

#56 - The Dumbbell Rack Exerciser​

Make sure to take up the real estate in front of the most used dumbbells so you can do your not-quite-bent-over dumbbell rows.

#57 - The Loogie Spitter​

Nothing screams class like spitting a loogie into the water fountain, you nasty a$$hole.

#58 - The Bromancer​

Man love is special, but if you make a scene about it, questions will be had.

#59 - The Squat Rack Hog​

For each person that you see waiting for the squat rack, add 10 minutes to your rest time.

#60 - The Smith Machiner​

The smith machines are usually next to squat racks or benches, and it never fails - someone always tries to one-up you on every set you do.

We call these guys dumb assholes.

#61 - The Machine Camper​

I'm not sure why you feel the need to do 20 or more sets of dips in between your Instagramming, but you pull it off with not one f**k given.

#62 - The Matching Outfitter​

Style is everything, so matching your entire outfit with eye hurting neon colors will surely help make gains.

#63 - The One Upper​

This is ego lifting at its finest. It doesn't count if you are quarter repping the weight, a$$hole.

#64 - The Lazy Lifter​

You got the weights out, put them back. No wonder your mother kicked you out of the house.

 

[GRIM]

I half rep on stuff but paralysis will do that lol

 

[TSizemore]

I half rep on stuff but paralysis will do that lol

Lol... yeah, but your half reps have style! 😛