Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

 

[01dragonslayer]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

 

[01dragonslayer]

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?