Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.​

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves have learned to use what nature provides for us". Meanwhile the dwarf pulls up his pants and begins down the trail and calls back "And our ancestors taught us dwarves not to piss on our hands".

 

[01dragonslayer]

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming​

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.
Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her​

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond.​

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond. The Asian guy says, "This pond is Magical, if you skip a stone across it, you will hear the names of your ancestors." So the Asian guy picks up a stone and skips it, the stone makes a sound with each splash, "CHING-CHANG-CHONG." The black guy goes, "Wow thats amazing, let me try." He picks up a rock and skips it. "A-RANG-A-TANG!" He gets angry and says, "Wtf?!" and grabs another stone. Skips this one and hears, "CHIMP-AN-ZEE!" Now he is quite upset, "Aww hell naw," he grabs a large boulder with both hands and lifts it above his head, then slams it into the pond, "BA-BOON!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

It just all depends on how you look at some things...​

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66
Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much worse) names. As an extremely goth kid, he had the full goth getup. Black hair, eyeliner, weird piercings, ripped jeans, you get the picture. But what really made him stand out was this really big chain he wore everywhere. Always. It was his favorite accessory. And this kid really, I mean REALLY hated John. The goth kid fancied himself pretty smart, and thought he was much cooler than he really was. So he was really pissed when John became the class valedictorian. He needed some way to prove to the world that he was better than John. He began bragging to everyone about his parent's land back home in France, hoping to make John jealous. Now John wasn't really sure why, but the idea of a weird goth nobody trying to one-up him really got him mad. He needed some way to prove that he was, in fact, better than the goth kid. He did some research into his family tree to see if he was related to anyone famous, to prove that he was inherently better than the French goth. He struck gold! He discovered that he was the long-lost heir to some obscure duke or duchess in, of all places, France! John brought his proof that he was French royalty to school to show the goth kid how much better he was. Of course, the French kid called bull. John wouldn't take it and started claiming that the goth kid was making up all of his family's fortune. He went on a rant, trying to shame the goth kid by saying how he was just jealous that John had become valedictorian, and not him. This continued for weeks, and at the end of it all, they were both livid. They finally decided there was only way to solve this dispute. They would both go to France and prove their wealth to the other. They convinced their families to vacation there at the same time, and it actually worked! Even more weeks later, they were in the airport, going through security (separately, with their respective families). However, the goth kid had forgot how strict the TSA was, and had (as always) been wearing his favorite chain. He was forced to hand it over to airport security, who said he could get it back upon his return. It was a heart-wrenching experience for the kid, who was never without his trademark chain. But he had no choice but to hand it over. Upon arriving in France, he immediately sought out and bought the first chain he could find, much smaller and much more lackluster than his favorite. But he decided it would have to work for now. Although they couldn't yet meet face to face, he finally managed to coordinate a meeting with John over the phone, and they set off to show off their land to each other. The whole time, John was calling the goth kid all sorts of terrible names, partially due to his insecurity about the size of his land. If it was smaller than a lame goth kids, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. However, what both of the kids failed to realize was that John's dead ancestor lived on the property right next to the French kid's! They were finally about to meet, and got to thoroughly examine and compare their family's land beforehand. They set eyes on each other and calmly approached, determined at the last minute to settle this like civilized humans...
"Val. John, at last. We see each other's plains." "Monsieur Lamer, you wear a different chain."

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Italian, an Egyptian and a Greek...​

...were fighting over whose ancestors had the most advanced civilization.

The Romans were the most advanced said the Italian. And I'm going to prove it to you. Here's a photograph
from a recent excavation site under the Colloseum. What do you see?

The Egyptian and the Greek after studying the picture:

-A wire.

-Exactly. Do you know what that means? Said the Italian.

-No, came the reply.

-It means that the Ancient Romans had invented the telegraph!

-That's nothing said the Egyptian. Here's a photograph from a recent excavation site under the Great Pyramid of Gyza. What do you see?

The Italian and the Greek after studying the picture:

-Two wires.

-Exactly. Do you know what that means? Said the Egyptian.

-No, came the reply.

-It means that the Ancient Egyptians had invented the telephone!

-Meh, that's nothing, said the Greek. Here's a photograph from a recent excavation site under the Parthenon. What do you see?

-The Egyptian and the Italian study the picture. After looking hard, and examining all the fine details they say perplexed:

-Nothing!

-Exactly. Do you know what that means? Said the Greek.

-No, came the reply.

-It means that the Ancient Greeks had invented the cellphone!

Rough translation from a Greek joke.

 

[01dragonslayer]

In the past​

Russian scientists dug 1000 mtr deep and found a copper wire.
They concluded:
“1000 yrs back our ancestors were using copper cable technology”..

American scientists dug 2000 mtr deep and found optic fibre.
They concluded:
“2000 yrs back our ancestors were using optic fibre technolgy”..

Indian scientist dug and found nothing. They concluded our ancestors were using Wireless Technology.!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Compilation of short "jokes"​

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your browsing history if they detect your heart has stopped

☐ Doctors are just veterinarians that can only work on one animal

☐ The first 18 years of life are the like the free trial, the rest is Pay to Play

☐ Gotye is now just somebody that we used to know

☐ When you're a kid you think adults know everything. When you grow up that adults have no idea what they're doing

☐ The generation that complains about millenials are the ones who raised millenials

☐ Reading a book under a tree seems nice to us, but for a tree it's taunting them with the shredded flesh of their family

☐ Books are just dead trees we stare at and hallucinate for hours

☐ Everything in your life has led to you reading this post

☐ At a restaurant when you're waiting for the waiter to bring your food, do you become the waiter?

☐ I didn't exist in your universe until you started reading this

☐ Red, White and Blue are the colours of freedom until they're flashing behind you

☐ In the future nursing homes are just going to be huge LAN parties

☐ Websites should show password requirements at the login screen

☐ Whenever a celebrity dies somebody has to go through their Wikipedia page and change everything to past tense

☐ School made it seem like knowing "Stop, Drop and Roll" and what to do if you fell into quicksand seem essential for adult life

☐ I'm disappointed strangers don't offer me free drugs like D.A.R.E. said they would

☐ Microwaves should have a silent mode for midnight snacks

☐ If you step on someone's foot they open their mouth, just like a pedal bin

☐ Head & Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees & Toes

☐ Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome

☐ Because people are often buried in their best clothes, a zombie apocalypse would be a very formal affair

☐ They should make a "How It's Made" for "How It's Made"

☐ I have such little faith in humanity I look both ways before crossing a one way street

☐ "Slang" is short for "Shortened language" (...It's not)

☐ Songs and adverts featuring sirens and car horns should be banned from the radio

☐ A bachelor/stag party should happen after a divorce, not before a wedding

☐ Teachers used to tell us we wouldn't always be walking around with a calculator in our pockets

☐ I can have the same breakfast every day for months and that's fine, but when I have the same lunch two days in a row everybody loses their minds

☐ Naps went from being a childhood punishment to an adult treat

☐ Facebook is people I know saying things I don't care about, Reddit is people I don't know saying interesting things

☐ Pacman is just a guy chasing pills to escape his demons

☐ In a hospital you can find someone having the best day of their life, the worst day of their life, the first day of their life, and the last day of their life all under one roof

☐ I assume everyone on reddit is male unless stated otherwise

☐ You can answer the words "where", "when", and "what" just by changing the W to a T

☐ Because of the internet I've probably seen more naked people than all my ancestors combined

☐ Shadows- Light has travelled millions of miles through space from the sun only to be stopped a few feet from the ground by you

☐ If a Toy Story character died the rest of the toys would be forced to play with their friend's lifeless corpse by Andy

☐ The only thing worse than a cold public toilet seat is a warm public toilet seat

☐ I've never heard a car alarm and considered the car is actually getting robbed

☐ I have never ever wanted to turn on Sticky Keys

☐ The brain named itself

 

[01dragonslayer]

Topical Jokes for April​

(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)

4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.

Billionaire Richard Branson is hosting a digital currency summit on his private Caribbean island.
So he’s one golden gun away from being a James Bond villain.

In Michigan, a girl with cancer was expelled from middle school because she’d had too many absences. The school’s attitude is, if you’re healthy enough to go out and get cancer treatment, you’re healthy enough to go to class.

China is cracking down on funerals that hire strippers to perform. The biggest problem with the funerals, is that too many people are showing up.

...proponents of the funeral strippers say it’s nice to see the departed get one final lapdance.

In Atlanta, Lil Wayne’s tour bus was shot multiple times. Making Lil Wayne’s tour bus another of many inanimate objects, that have more street cred than Lil Wayne.

In Nigeria, a woman divorced her husband because his penis was too big. The woman described her husband’s penis as really long, hairy, and had a foot on the end of it.




4/20
In Iowa, a man called the police to report that his bag of dog poop had been stolen. Police already have the suspect in custody, and good news, they caught him brown-handed.

In Pennsylvania, a woman told police her car accident was caused by her parrot who was drinking coffee. Police questioned the parrot, but all it said was, “Polly want a latte!”

In Texas, a Walmart employee was arrested after stealing more than $230,000 dollars from the store. If convicted, the woman could be facing a life sentence as a Walmart greeter.

In Sierra Leone, schools closed due to an Ebola outbreak have re-opened after eight months. The schools are pretty dusty, so students are busy licking every surface clean.

Documents revealed that Ben Affleck kept PBS from revealing that his ancestors owned slaves. Affleck even tried to bribe one PBS executive by offering to give him Matt Damon.

...In reality, Ben Affleck’s ancestors never owned a slave, they just borrowed their neighbor’s slave once and never returned it.

A North Korean defector says that watching “The Interview” could cause North Koreans to revolt. And that’s just to get them to turn the movie off.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Jesse​

So Trump is standing next to Jesse Jackson in the west wing restroom at the urinals. Trump glances down "And says "Wow how did it get so long?" Jesse says "My ancestors would take it out every day and knock it against a tree to make it long and limber. These days I just knock it against the bedpost before bedtime." Trump says "Hmmm" That night Trump is getting into bed whips it out and knocks it against the bedpost loudly. In a sleepy voice, "Melania says, "Is that you, Jesse?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks. If one starts quacking, they all do it, and the noise is terrible."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on--a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman was about to get married for the fourth time and went to a gynecologist to make sure everything was alright. The gynecologist ran some tests and came back after awhile dumfounded, saying that according to his tests she was still a virgin. He asked her how she could still be a virgin after three marriages,

The woman said her first husband was a doctor and all he wanted to do was study it. Her second husband was a professor and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Her third husband was a contractor and whenever the subject of intimacy came up he said he’d get to it next week.

The doctor now curious asked her how this fourth marriage was going to be different?

She replied that’s easy. I’m about to marry an attorney, I know I’m going to get screwed.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and f**ked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”

 

[GRIM]