Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Long ago, in a faraway land, there was a traveller.​

He wanted to sell a goat, but no one wanted it. He travelled far and wide to see if anyone wanted it.

One day, he reached a small town in the desert. Before he entered the town, he decided to take a nap under a tree, and tied up his goat nearby.

On waking up a few hours later, he found the goat missing. He searched everywhere for it, but he couldn't find it.

So he grabbed a huge stick and marched to the town square.

He loudly began to proclaim,"If the person who stole my goat does not return it now, I will be forced to do what ancestors did when their animals were stolen...", while smacking the huge stick against his hand.

Murmurs arose from the crowd that had gathered while he was shouting. A few tense seconds later, a boy hesitantly appeared holding a goat with a rope attached to its neck.

The man's demeanour instantly changed and he ran up and grabbed the goat and hugged it.

Since there was no more fun, the crowd dispersed. The boy stayed behind and apologised. Out of curiosity, the boy also asked," What *did* your ancestors do when their animals were stolen?"

Laughingly, the man replied," They bought a new one!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I got fired from PC World today.​

A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.


“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little girl asks her father where people came from.​

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's right, dear"

Now the little girl was angry and stomped into the living room to see her Dad and told him what her Mom said. "You lied to me!" the little girl shouted at him.

No I didn't honey. Your Mom was talking about her side of the family

 

[01dragonslayer]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..​

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Did you ever wonder...​

how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?

 

[01dragonslayer]

In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.​

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one replies: ''Wow, medieval times were really hard''



And the other says: ''Medieval times? I just went to 2019 Alabama!''

 

[01dragonslayer]

A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.​

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for them so the chief can decide their fate.

The men are brought before a large clearing at the edge of the village where the chief begins his sentencing. “In the field behind me our ancestors have grown all the fruit known to man. You are you to walk the field and pick your favorite fruit then return it to me”

The men think wow this is a very simple punishment. “We shall gather the fruits of our native states to show the chief we miss home and just want to go back” says the man from Hawaii. The other two agree and all three set off into the field. Around 5 minutes later the man from Georgia appeared from the field and approached the chief holding a peach. “Chief I bring to you my native fruit. A gesture that I simply wish to return home” The chief with a smile tells the man to insert the fruit into his rectum and he will be given a canoe and allowed to leave. If he fails to insert the fruit he will be beheaded on the spot.

Instantly the man stuffs the peach into his rectum just before the man from Florida returns holding an orange. As the Florida man approaches he tells the chief “I have brought you the fruit from my native home simply to show you I miss home and would love to go back”. Again the chief explains the process and the man begins to hastily stuff the orange in his rectum.

As he gets his pants down and puts the orange in his rectum he begins to laugh. Soon after the first man begins to laugh hysterically as well. Within 30 seconds both men are in tears from laughter. The chief asks the translator what these men are laughing at to which the translator says

“They said the man from Hawaii is looking for the pineapples”

 

[01dragonslayer]

3 guys at an archaeology conference​

The first two guys are normal but the third one is from a place where people are silly, or at least that's the stereotype. Of course stereotypes are untrue and hurtful, but I need it for this joke to work.

Anyway, the first guy says, "We dug down 100 meters and discovered copper cables. This proves that 1,000 years ago our ancestors had invented the telegraph!"

The second guy says, "We dug down 150 meters and discovered fiber optic cables. This proves that 1,500 years ago our ancestors had invented the Internet!"

The third guy says, "We dug down 200 meters and discovered nothing. This proves that 2,000 years ago our ancestors had invented WiFi!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.​

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. Johnson. "I'm curious to know some of your secrets."

"Well," said Michelle, "I don't think it would hurt to tell you just one secret. But remember, don't tell anyone, and this applies to women only." She leans toward his ear and whispers, "Know the right men to have sex with."

"The right men?" asked Mr. Johnson. "What do you mean, the right men?"

"Well first," said Michelle, "you need to know the country from which the right men's ancestors came from. For me, it's France. Then, you need to know the right men's religion. For me, it's Judaism. Finally, you need to know the state in which the right men live. For me, it's Alabama."

"By the way, what's your name?"

Mr. Johnson thinks for a minute and says, "My name is Jean-Claude Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[01dragonslayer]

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies​

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition - everything was made of grass and leaves.

One day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. The thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds.

Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

[01dragonslayer]

She’s always late.​

Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...​

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth underneath London and found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, which is proof positive that our ancestors had a telephone network a thousand years ago.

The Frenchman replies, "Well, my dear English friend, our archaeologists did a similar dig, and after digging 2,000 meters under Paris, uncovered traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cabling; my French ancestors had an advanced, high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than your people!"

Not to be outdone, the Israeli says, "Well my friends, our archaeologists dug as deep as 5,000 meters deep underneath some of the oldest parts of Jerusalem, where people have been living for thousands of years, and found nothing. This is, of course, conclusive evidence that the Israelis have been using wireless technology for 5,000 years."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A descendant of a pharaoh​

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,000. I want you to slip this in my casket before I am buried.” They each agree to honor his request.

A few weeks later he dies and the three men come and place envelopes in his casket before it is lowered to the ground. After a beautiful ceremony, the three men walk around the cemetery together. The pastor starts crying and says “I must confess something. I felt strongly that he was going to hell for being so concerned about money so I used $10,000 to help build an orphanage in his name. The envelope only had $20,000.”

The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I donated $15,000 to find a cure for his disease so that others like him could live. My envelope only had $15,000 in it.”

The lawyer looked indignant. “I can’t believe you would spend his money like that and not honor his wishes. My envelope had a personal check for the full $30,000.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Diarrhoea​

My ancestors have all had a genetic propensity for diarrhoea.

Runs in the family.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.​

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be beheaded at any one session. Wang Lun's habit was to stand at the foot of the scaffold with an engaging smile, hiding his curved sword behind his back, and while whistling a pleasant tune, to behead his victim with a swift movement as he walked up the scaffold.

Now this Wang Lun had one secret ambition in his life, but it took him fifty years of strenuous effort to realize it. His ambition was to be able to behead a person with a stroke so swift that, in accordance with the law of inertia, the victim's head would remain poised on his trunk, in the same manner as a plate remains undisturbed on the table if the tablecloth is pulled out under it with a sudden jerk.

Wang Lun's great moment came in the seventy-eighth year of his life. On that memorable day he had to dispatch sixteen clients from this world of shadows to their ancestor's. He stood as usual at the foot of the scaffold, and eleven shaven heads had already rolled into the dust after his inimitable master-stroke. His triumph came with the twelfth man. When this man began to ascend the steps of the scaffold, Wang Lun's sword flashed with such lightening speed across his neck that the man's head remained where it had been before, and he continued to walk up the steps without knowing what had happened. When he reached the top of the scaffold, the man addressed Wang Lun as follows:

"O cruel Wang Lun, why do you prolong my agony of waiting when you dealt with the others with such merciful and amiable speed?"

When he heard these words, Wang Lun knew that the work of his life had been accomplished. A serene smile appeared on his features; then he said with exquisite courtesy to the waiting man:

"Just kindly nod, please."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A white, black, and Mexican are in hell...​

A black man, a white man, and a Mexican die and are sent to Hell. The Devil looks at them and says "You can choose any shield of your choice, and if you survive 3 lashes from my whip you can go to Heaven."

The Mexican says "I want a shield of diamond." It breaks on the first lash and he doesn't survive the second, so he stays in hell.

The black man says "My ancestors survived more lashings than anything you'll give me, so I say no shield at all." He survives all three lashes with ease and goes to Heaven.

The Devil looks at the white man and says "What shall you have?". The white man looks up at the black man floating to Heaven, looks at the Devil, and says "I'll take the black guy."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The curious monk​

A monk in an ancient monastery is doing his daily work, transcribing and recopying the ancient scrolls and scriptures of his tradition that his predecessors wrote, which they copied from their ancestors texts and so on....

The curious monk begins to wonder if in the endless sequence of copying and recopying over the ages, something got misinterpreted or lost in translation: he goes to investigate the archives.

His friends don't hear from him for a few days. They finally find him in the archives, lying in a pool of scrolls and tears. "What's wrong?", they ask him. He cries: "It said CELEBRATE!!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar​

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, not wanting to be outdone by the French, goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 25ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 400 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The American, not wanting to be outdone by either the German or the French, goes digging in his backyard. He digs all day and night and finds nothing 40ft deep. The next day, he walks into the bar and smugly claims, "Ha! 500 years ago, my ancestors had already gone wireless!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Proof that Santa doesn’t exists​

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at least one nice child in each home.

Because of the different time zones and rotation of the earth, Santa Claus has about 3.5 hours to work, assuming he travels westward, which makes the most sense. He thus visits 967.7 homes per second. This means that for every Christian home with at least one nice child, Santa has about 1/1000 s to park the sledge, run out and jump down the chimney, divide Christmas presents, say Ho HonHo, eat the porrigde, up through the chimney again, in the sledge and off to the next house.

If we assume that all homes to be visited are evenly distributed, it is approximately 1km between each house on average. The area thus travels about 100km, vists to bathroom and other breaks are not included. In other words, the sledge of the plot flies approximately 1000 km per second.. As in comparison, it is mentioned that the fastest craft man so far created, the Ulysseus spacecraft, travels about 50 km per second. As an anecdote, we can mention that the normal reindeer can come up at a speed of about 30 km per hour.

The load in the sled is another interesting object. If we assume that each child receives presents corresponding to 1 kg, the sledge has a load of 500,000 tonnes, the weight of Santa is not included. On land, a normal reindeer can carry about 200 kg. Even if we assume that the special flying reindeer can draw a weight ten times this, the sled will not come out of the spot unless the plot provides approximately 360,000 reluctant reindeers. This will give the sledge a total weight of approximately 600,000 tonnes.

600,000 tons, flying at 1,000km per second, produce enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeers, much like a meteorite that enters the earth's atmosphere. The two leader reindeers will then absorb an energy equivalent to 14 300 trillion Joule per sec, or 14 300 trillion watt. The leader rails will simply burn up immediately and the back will be exposed to a bang when the air barrier breaks and then burn themselves up. All the reindeers will meet their ancestors in less than 4.26 million seconds, i e when the plot reaches its fifth house.

However, this is hypothetical, because when the sleigh accelerates from 0 to 1000 km / s in 1/1000 seconds, all of the sleigh will be exposed to a G-force 17500 times greater than gravity. If Santa weighs approximately 150 kg (weight estimated according to existing copies) he will be stuck in the back of the sled, corresponding to a weight of approximately 3 million kg, which would immediately crush each leg in his body and turn him into a wet spot.

The conclusion should be that if the damn Santa ever lived, he is definitely dead now.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I Asked My Black Friend If He Wanted to Go on a Cruise with me.​

He said that his ancestors made that same mistake and that he's not falling for it.