Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

When my insurance company refused to pay for my newborn son's circumcision, I got a letter explaining its logic. Under the procedure "Circumcision" was written "Unable to locate member."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I'd just come home from my sixth medical appointment of the week with one more to go, so I was in a lousy mood when my daughter called. After I recited my woes, my daughter said, "Well, seven doctors is better than one coroner."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My friend is a Botox junkie—she can't stop getting the injections. But surprisingly, when I reminded her to get her flu shot, she shuddered. "I hate needles," she said. I had a solution: "Just pretend it will make your arm look younger."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That"s good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

 

[01dragonslayer]

After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?" My answer: "Birth control."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A patient at my daughter’s medical clinic filled out a form. After Name and Address, the next question was "Nearest Relative." She wrote "Walking distance."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My neighbor's boat has a peculiar name: Innuendo. After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning, I asked him how he came up with the name. He answered, "My wife works for a proctologist."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn't help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.

"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Last Valentine's Day, I arrived at the doctor's office where I work as a receptionist to find a mystery man pacing up and down holding a package. As I got out of the car, he declared warmly, "I have something for you." I excitedly ripped open the bundle. It was a urine sample.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little boy was brought into our emergency room after ingesting part of a plug-in air freshener. After consulting Poison Control and monitoring him, the doctor wrote on his discharge, "Patient doing well. Ready to go home. Smells good."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Following my husband's physical exam, the doctor delivered some bad news. "Your white blood cells are elevated," he said.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."

 

[01dragonslayer]

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Proofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."

 

[01dragonslayer]

At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?"

"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Prior to his biopsy, a patient confessed to a fellow nurse just how nervous he was. "Don't worry," the nurse assured him. "You're just having a little autopsy."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A harried man runs into his physician's office. "Doctor! Doctor! My wife's in labor! But she keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, can't!'"

"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy's still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn't help his condition either.

"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.

"I know. That I can cure."

 

[01dragonslayer]

As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."

 

[01dragonslayer]

When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.

"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."

"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"