Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Actual newspaper headlines....
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 

[01dragonslayer]

Confucius say: Woman wear three kinds of ring . . . the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffeRing.

 

[01dragonslayer]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee..

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why did the tomato turn red? Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing

 

[01dragonslayer]

A big time Wall Street Broker moves to the country to become a chicken farmer. He purchases a small farm, and orders 1500 chicks from the local feed store. About three weeks later, he orders 2000 more chicks from the feed store. After another three weeks, he orders 2500 more chicks.

The feed store owner says to the broker, your chicken farm must really be growing.




The broker replies that its not growing too well, I am either planting them too deep or too far apart.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What happened when the shopper left her vegetables in the library?
It was a turnip for the books

 

[01dragonslayer]

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself. The reporter said, Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same. The old explorer said, No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How did the blonde break her nose?


A: Her boyfriend put a $100 bill under a glass table.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.



Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If people from Poland are called 'Poles' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's?'

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was holding hands with the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

because it thought they were playing a game!

 

[01dragonslayer]

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"




"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...



I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."



My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[01dragonslayer]

When their car broke down a Jew, an Indian and an Australian knocked on a farmer's door to ask for accommodation for the night.
"I only have room for two, one of you will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer.
"Alright, I will," said the Jew.
But 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door.
"There's a pig in the barn, I can't sleep in there," said the Jew.
"Okay, I'll go," said the Indian. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door.
"There is an un-sacred cow in the barn," he said.
"No worries mate, I'll go," said the Australian. Five minutes later there was yet another knock at the door.
It was the pig and cow!!!