Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

 

[01dragonslayer]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.



After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?


A: When you hit the mosquito, it stops sucking.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humpfrey.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced HaVaii or HaWaii.
They ask a passerby, who answers Havaii.
Thank you, says the satisfied first man.
Youre velcome, replies the passerby.

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,"
" her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So, why's the groom wearing black?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds not allowed. Enter at your own risk!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.



As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.



He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes speeding up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What has one foot and four legs?
A bed

 

[01dragonslayer]

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Indian pop hits
The Indian Top 10:
1. Tears on My Pillau.

2. Its my chappalti and I'll cry if I want to.

3. Tikka Chance on Me.

4. Scatnaan.

5. Korma Korma Chameleon.

6. What's the Story Morning Tandoori.

7. Easy like Sanjay Morning.

8. You Can't Curry Love.

9. Poppadum Preach.

10. Sheikh Your Body. All available on the fantastic new album, Turban Hymns by Donner Summer.

Bohemian Curry (sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)

Naan-aa, just killed a man

Poppadom against his head

Had lime pickle, now he's dead.

Naan-aa, dinner just begun

But now I'm going to crap it all away.

Naan-aa,

ooh-ooh

Didn't mean to make you cry,

Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow,

Curry on, Curry on,

'cause nothing really madras.

Too late, my dinner's gone

Sends shivers up my spine

Rectum aching all the time.

Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.

Naan-aa,

ooh-ooh,

This Dopiaza's mild,

I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all...

(Guitar solo)

I see a little chicken tikka on the side,

Rogan Josh,

Rogan Josh

Pass the chutney made of mango.

Vindaloo does nicely

Nery very spicy

ME!

Biryani (Biryani)

Biryani (Biryani)

Biryani and a naan,

(A vindaloo loo looo... )

I've eaten balti, somebody help me

He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory,

Stand you well back

Cause this loo is quarantined.

Here it comes,

There it goes,

Technicolor yawn.

I chunder

No!

It's coming up again

(There he goes)

I chunder

It's coming up again

(There he goes)

It's coming up again, (Up again) Coming up again (up again)

Here it comes again

(No no no no no no no no no No).

On my knees, I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees, Oh there he goes

This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts

Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!

(Guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and still it's all right?

So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?

Ooh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,

just had to come out,

just had to come right out in here...

(Guitar solo)

Korma, saag or bhuna,

Balti, naan, bhaji.

Nothing makes a difference

Nothing makes a difference to me.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

 

[01dragonslayer]

While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight, are we Sister Angela?" he asked. "No, Father," Sister Angela said, "It's just a little gas."