Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."



"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.




The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"




"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Knock Knock Collection 177

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thumb!
Thumb who?
Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thumpin!
Thumping who?
Thumping green and slimy is climbing up your back!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thurston!
Thurston who?
Thurston and hungerin'!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tibet!
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tinker Bell!
Tinker Bell who?
Tinker Bell is out of order!

 

[01dragonslayer]

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy is walking down a beach in Saudi Arabia and sees a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie.

The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but since I know you hate your mother-in-law I will give her twice as much.

The guy thought about it and said, " I wish for $10,000,000.

The genie said, "OK, but I have to give your mother-in-law $20,000,000. Poof, it was done. "What is your second wish?"

"I wish for 50 pounds of the worlds finest gems", says the guy.

"I shall grant your wish but I must give your mother-in-law 100 pounds of the worlds finest gems". Poof, it was done. "And your final wish would be???"

The guy thought about it and replied, "I wish you would beat me half to death".

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why is a calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered!

 

[01dragonslayer]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.



The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?'

 

[01dragonslayer]

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity†social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.â€
The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.
The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?†they asked him.
“Yes, I did,†said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.â€

 

[01dragonslayer]

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".



Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."



"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as
the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he

hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear

and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes, love

you, bye."

The bartender says, "What the heck is that?"

The customer replies "It's my hand phone..give me your home

number so you can try it."

With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the

customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand

up to the bartender's ear. The bartender's wife answers and

he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey... just thought I'd

call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."

The bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"

"I'll tell you when I get back from the restroom."

30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the

bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to

make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with

his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the

wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his

butt.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous

bartender.

"Give me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans,

"I'm getting a fax."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.




The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."




"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found
one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the lift.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...




Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Morningside teacher was taking a lesson about Belgium. Pointing to a town on the map, she said: "Ostend."
When she turned round the whole class was on its feet.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, Telephone operators have sexy voices.
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, Poor guy, teachers are frigid.
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurses husband. He sourly says, Dont ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was Youre not sanitary, youre not sanitary.
Then, the telephone operators husband calls and sourly says, Dont ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.
Later that afternoon, the teachers husband calls and happily says, When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was We are going to do this over and over until we get right.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A sales rep. who was on business in New York City bought a lottery ticket. Unbelievably, before he was to return home, he learned that his numbers were drawn and that he had won $50 million dollars. Excitedly, he phoned his wife and said, "Honey, I just won $50 million dollars in the New York Lottery!! Start packing your bags!!"
The wife was equally excited and began to scream and yell. "What kind of clothes should I pack? Summer clothes, or winter clothes?"

"It really doesn't matter." the husband replied. "Just be gone by the time I get home!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Where is the center of gravity? At the letter "V".