Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband. They all say the same thing - "Take mine.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A cowboy goes down to the stable, lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I've got chapped lips." The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?" "Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?” The German responds, “I will take oil!” They put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished, the German has huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?” “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. “I'll take the Mexican.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two young men sneak on to a blind man's property in order to steal something of vaule. The blind man hears them and goes to the door with his shot gun. The two young men, seeing the blind man, stand motionless. The blind calls out, "Marco!". Silence. He tries once more, "Marco!" More silence. One more time, "Marco!" One of the young men, tired of the game, yells out, "We aren't going to fall for that..." *BANG!

 

[01dragonslayer]

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo. A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole? Give the woman a shovel!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys dick. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me." Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister. He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him." "Would you do it for a million dollars?" She replies, "Hell yes!" He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions. Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure." Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go." Johnny asks, "What do you mean?" The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two cocksuckers."

 

[01dragonslayer]

whats the difference between a girls argument and a knife ?
a knife has a point

 

[01dragonslayer]

There are some girls that like to do something called "homie hopping" and homie hopping is basically a girl dates a guy and then she ends up trying to get with his friends, and then she gets with someone new, then jumps to his other friends, and so on. Guys have this and it's called "testing the waters".

 

[01dragonslayer]

What is the mating call of a blond? I'm so drunk. What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that blonde gone yet? What is ther mating call of a redhead? NEXT!

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a marathon if all the runners are transvestites? A drag race.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why are there no women on the moon? Because it doesn't need to be cleaned

 

[01dragonslayer]

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Italian, a Mexican, and a redneck construction worker were sitting on top of their construction site during their lunch break. When the Italian opened his lunch, he said, "Dammit! If I get spaghetti again, I'mma gonna jump off this building anda kill myself." The Mexican opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get tacos again, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." The redneck also opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get another damn hamburger, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself." The next day they all got the same thing in their lunchboxes and killed themselves. At the funeral, the three widows were at the graves crying. The Italian widow said, "I'm so sad because I forgot to pack him something else!" The Mexican widow sobbed, "I did the same thing!" The redneck's wife said, "That damn idiot packed his own lunch!"