Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said, "You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies, "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale."

 

[01dragonslayer]

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office and said, "Kevin, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hung himself." "He didn't hang himself," Kevin replied, "I hung him up to dry."

 

[01dragonslayer]

There are three men that work together, an Italian, an Irish, and a Polish man. One day, the Italian man is having lunch and says, "If my wife makes me a meatball sandwich again, I'm going to jump off the building." The Irish man and the Polish man say the same thing because they all have the same lunch everyday. The next day, the three men go to eat their lunches and they are the same as usual. The Italian man has a meatball sandwich, the Irish man has baked potatoes, and the Polish man has kilbossi with a roll and mustard. They walk all the way up the stairs to the roof and jump off. The cops find them, call their wives, and bring them to the building where their husbands work. Nobody knows why they jumped except a co-worker, who tells the police that the men didn't like their lunches, so they jumped off. The Italian's wife says, "He should have told me, I would have made him something different." The Irish man's wife says the same thing. The Polish man's wife says, "I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch."

 

[01dragonslayer]

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy riding on a motorcycle was wearing a tee-shirt. The back of his shirt says, "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: "I got you covered."

 

[01dragonslayer]

"My brother likes to brag about the size of his penis which doesn't bother me, I just wish he wouldn't rub it in my face."

 

[01dragonslayer]

There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? A: Bingo!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What would George Washington be doing if he were alive? A: Terrified, screaming in his coffin.