Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Boy: if you are smiling send me your smiles
- if you are sleeping send me your dreams
- if you are crying send me your tears
I LOVE YOU!

Girl: I am in the toilet what do i send?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, "Is this someone you knew?" The first guy says, "Yes, it was my wife." The second guy says, "It must be hard to lose a wife." The first guys replies, "Yep, damn near impossible."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, "Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?" The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, "Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

 

[01dragonslayer]

man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes. The genie said, "For every wish you make, your wife gets two." The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two. Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double. The jealous husband said, "For my last wish, beat me half to death."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Someone asked me, "Now that you are retired, do you still have a job?" I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple," I answered, "My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

 

[01dragonslayer]

There's a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles. The man finally stops and the officer tells him, "When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!" The man says, "Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving." The officer says, "I've heard every excuse in the book, but if it's one I haven't heard, I'll let you go." The man says, "Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back." So the officer let him go.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

 

[01dragonslayer]

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late.

 

[01dragonslayer]

John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.” “Wow!" said Bob, “how did you manage that?” “It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Wife: Had your Lunch??
Husband: Had your Lunch??
Wife: I am asking you??
Husband: I am asking you??
Wife: You Copying me??
Husband: You Copying me??
Wife: Lets go Shopping.
Husband: I had my Lunch.

 

[01dragonslayer]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."