Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde was late for work so she hopped in her car, popped it in reverse and quickly rolled out of the driveway.

She wasn't looking and she hit another car. And the man in the car jumped out all furious yelling at the blonde.




"OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE! I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DRIVE AGAIN!" Said that Man. "NOW YOU STAND ON THIS MAN-HOLE AND DONT MOVE UNTIL I TELL YOU!" He exclaimed.

SO she did and he went over to her car and started beating the crap out of it.

He was kicking dents in it and just going off and the girl started to laugh.




He looked over and she stopped and then he went to his car and grabbed a bat. He started bashing all the windows in and putting even bigger dents in the car.

The girl started laughing even harder this time. He looked over again and she stopped.

By now the man was pissed so he got some gas and put it all over the car and lit it up. The whole car bursted into flames and blew up.




By now the girl was on the ground busting up laughing. So the man goes over and says:

"What the hell is so funny?"

The girl replies with:

"I stepped off the man-hole 3 times and you didn't even see me!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

An A road and a B road were having a drink in a bar, when a 3ft piece of Tarmac came in.
A said to B: "Keep away from him. He's mad, he's a cycle path."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Which came first?
The chicken or the egg?

Neither... The rooster came first.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?

 

[01dragonslayer]

It seems that despite the advertisements in the paper, stores don't want you to do our Christmas shopping too early.
A local store just arrested a fellow for shopping about two hours before the store opened.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team?

A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were having a discussion about how they split the offering money between the church and God.
The rabbi said, "I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk with it, and throw up the offering plate. Whatever goes inside the circle goes to God, and whatever falls outside the circle goes to the church."
The minister said, "Well, that's not bad, but I have a better way. I halve my entire office with a piece of string, and stand next to it. I throw up the offering plate, and whatever goes on the right side of the string goes to God, and whatever goes on the left side goes to the church."
The priest nodded, then said, "Well, that sounds pretty good, but we have a foolproof way of splitting the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "Keep what you want!""

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mom: Junior, I wouldnÂ’t jump up and down on the bed like that if I were you. Junior: Well, how would you jump on the bed then, Mom?

 

[01dragonslayer]

School Collection 28

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Some new vocabulary
arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.



bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.

cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.

lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you get when a dog walks across the sun?

A hot dog!

 

[01dragonslayer]

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, Going to a party?
Yeah, a costume party, the man answers, Im supposed to come dressed as my love life.
But you look like Abe Lincoln, protests the bartender.
Thats right. My last four scores were seven years ago.
#j

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do cannibals call sprinters?
Fast food!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."

"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5 star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.



One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."



"It's only me," she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of the material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from he palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"



"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into a forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware." But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.



After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

 

[01dragonslayer]

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

[01dragonslayer]

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

 

[01dragonslayer]

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello!" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.




"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Father: Come here, little man. I'll teach you to eat up your sister's whole birthday cake. Son: That's all right, Dad. I already know how.