Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!

Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What does a Disney ride and Viagra have in common?


A: It takes over one hour to start and two minutes for the ride to end.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Hillbilly was involved in an accident.
The Trooper asked him, "Didn't you see that yield sign when you were merging onto the highway?"
The Hillbilly replied, "Ahh sure I did...and I did it...yup, I Yieeeld and Yieeeld at that there truck and he justa kepp on comin'!!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory.

She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.




The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad.

After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours, the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up.

The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was.




When he arrived the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory.

She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.




The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad.

After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours, the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up.

The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was.




When he arrived the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. Dear husband, you wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden.
The prisoner writes back: Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"Oops!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, "If anything should go wrong--"
"Nothing will go wrong," said the Hindu. "But if it does, God will save me."
"Not a chance," the Buddhist said, "Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature." The Hindu scoffed at this.
The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open."My God!" screamed the Hindu. "Save me!" But he continued to plummet.
Just then he heard the Buddhist say, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature." Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him toward the ground.
The terrified Hindu too cried out, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature!" With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and gently lowered him toward the ground.
"Whew! That was a close one!" said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Thank God!" whereupon the giant hand turned over.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mother: Young man, what are you doing out there in the rain? Son: Getting wet, Mom!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fajita!
Fajita who?
Fajita another thing I'm going to be sick !

 

[01dragonslayer]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, Whats with these guys? Weve been waiting for 15 minutes!
The pastor says, Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Lets have a word with him.
Say, George, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow, arent they? the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, Thats so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Good idea. Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them.
The engineer says, Why cant these guys play at night?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal?


A: She was so proud she had it bronzed.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."



The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"



The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.



"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"