Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mitch Bailey went to the doctor about a problem. The doc makes him lie down and asks him to strip. The doc is pretty surprised to see wet semen in his penis.

"When did you last ...err... copulate ... you know... make love, Mitch?", asks the slightly embarrassed doctor.

"1955", replies back Mitch.

The doctor asks, totally shocked after listening to Mitch's reply, "1955...my...Jeez...somethings terribly wrong. You are the weirdest case in my 23 year old career."

"Why? Is something wrong?", asks a puzzled Mitch.

"Oh yes it is, Mitch, you have not had sex for so long and you still have fresh stains of semen in your penis. Something is wrong.", says the doctor.

"Well, I don't think so. I had it at 1955 and it is only 2030 hrs now, doc"

 

[01dragonslayer]

You might be a redneck if...
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."



The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

 

[01dragonslayer]

TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.
The controversial chat show host told police it was a whisk he had to take.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two men are in a doctor's office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.

 

[01dragonslayer]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?
A: Her teacher told her to do an essay.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mother: So how was your first day of school, son? Junior: It was all right, except for some guy called Sir who kept spoiling all our fun.

 

[01dragonslayer]

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one you should be sure to email to your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side, while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.
Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.



Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, Hey Bob, I got trouble down here.
Bob calls out, Whats the matter Jim?
Jim shouts back, Throw me my 7-iron. You cant get out of here with an 8-iron.

 

[01dragonslayer]

People are like plants -
some go to seed with age, and others go to pot.

 

[01dragonslayer]

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

 

[01dragonslayer]

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Father: Son, I see you have bad grades. Didn't I tell you I'd give you a bicycle if you passed your exams? What have you been doing? Son: Learning to ride a bike.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?



A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

 

[01dragonslayer]

TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.
The controversial chat show host told police it was a whisk he had to take.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Did you hear about the new device that makes your car run 95% quieter?


A: It fits right over her mouth.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was a Texan, a Dutchman and a Canadian sitting in a bar. The Texan picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass up in the air and shoots it.
The bartender looks at him and asks, what'd you do that for? The Texan replies, "back in Texas we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Next the Dutchman picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass against the wall. The bartender looks at him and asks, "what'd you do that for?" The Dutchman replies, "back in Holland we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."

Finally the Canadian picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then he takes the gun from the Texan and shoots the Dutchman. The bartender looks at him and asks, "now what did you do that for?" The Canadian replies, "well back in Canada, we have so many Dutchman, that we don't have to drink with the same one twice!"