Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

wins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Brother: "Denephew."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Marriage quotes 03
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Love Story
I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu

 

[01dragonslayer]

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

 

[GoPro]

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

01dragonslayerMy fiance even laughed at this one.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Daughter: Mommy, little brother just broke my doll! Mother: How did he do that? Daughter: I hit him on the head with it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance came.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!