Jokes and funny stuff....

[Dago]

 

[Dago]

I do not see the picture I posted

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."

 

[01dragonslayer]

THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

Now wipe that smile off your face.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

 

[01dragonslayer]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
A: "Oh sheet!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Bud the Cowboy​

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,15 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”



“Now give me back my dog”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Five cannibals​

Five cannibals are hired as employees in a company.
Their first day at the company the boss tells them:
- Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees!
The cannibals promise not to disturb others.
Four weeks later the boss comes back to the cannibals and tells them:
- You are all working well, I am very satisfied with you,
the company is doing very well. But yesterday one of the cleaning girls disappeared, the offices are dirty. Do any of you know what happened?
All cannibals say they know nothing about the girl.
But after the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals asks the others:
- Which of you idiots ate the girl?
One hesitantly raises his hand, and the leader of the cannibals reproaches him:
- Imbecile! For four weeks we ate senior executives; area managers and product managers, so that no one noticed anything, and you ..... you, did you really have to eat the cleaning lady?!?