Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Vladimir Putin visits a school...​

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....​

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good..! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God..!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ..?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep..?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod..??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam..? Madam..?..... Good Lord, she's fainted..!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope​

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Six Lessons
**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

*Moral of the story:*

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

**Lesson 2:**

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

*Moral of the story:*

Always let your boss have the first say

**Lesson 3:**

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

*Moral of the story:*

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

**Lesson 4**

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

*Moral of the story:*

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

**Lesson 5:**

Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

*Moral of the story:*

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

**Lesson 6**

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

*Moral of the story:*

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

 

[01dragonslayer]

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...​

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Jack. “Try these on,” she said. Jack went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Jack.

“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it​

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"​

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A father walks up to another father in a cemetery​

Father 1 says: Why are you here

Father 2 says: My son died in a car crash trying to sneak out of the house to go to a party

Father 1 says: I can see why you grounded him

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man's father dies...​

After the funeral and burial he wrote a check to pay for the entire service.

A month later he received a letter from the funeral parlor. He opened it and saw it was a bill for a hundred dollars.

They must have overlooked some detail he thought so he wrote a check and sent it back to them.

Another month goes by and he received another bill for a hundred dollars from the funeral parlor.

They must have overlooked something else he thought and wrote them another check and sent it back to them.

Another month goes by and he received another bill for a hundred dollars. This time he decided to call them about it.

When he had the funeral director on the phone he said. "I paid for my father's service in full. Why am I getting a monthly bill?"

The funeral director said "Yes sir, but remember when you said only the best for your father?"

"Yes, I remember that"

"Well, we rented him a tuxedo."

 

[01dragonslayer]

LongAn attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?​

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?">
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A child psychologist had twin boys​

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure. “Why are you so happy?” he asked. The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.​

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers look at each other, and agree that the only possible solution to avoid embarrassing the hospital is to just choose a baby, take it home and make sure it is loved as any child should be.

The Englishman steps forward and exclaims, "I would like to choose first"

The other two fathers roll their eyes, but agree.

The Englishman walks to the thee babies, and without any hesitation, picks up, what is quite obviously, the Indian man's child.

As the Englishman goes to leave, he catches the eye of the Indian and says "Sorry mate, but one of those two babies back there is Welsh, and I can't take that risk."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Father's Day​

I don't get excited about gifts the way other people do, and it drives my wife nuts. For Father's Day, my wife was determined to get a reaction out of me and so she ordered me a custom-designed tie. She knew that I had two great passions in life: movies and dad humor, so she hired a well-known graphic designer to create an elaborate design for it.

On one side was one of those fancy text mashups, featuring over 50 of my favorite dad jokes. The other side looked like an epic movie poster with incredible details and funny scenes like the Terminator high-fiving Chewbacca.

She presented me with the box and looked at me with bright, expectant eyes as I opened it and took in all the details.

"Well?" she asked. "Which side do you like better?"

"It's a tie."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I told my dad he didn’t seem to know what it means to be a father…​

He said he thought it was apparent

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a guy from Indiana who just became a father?​

A Hoosier Daddy.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed​

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
r>“And is my daughter here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Daddy. Oh please don’t leave us!”

“And are my grandchildren in here with me?”

“Yes, grandad!”

“Then why is the feckin light still on in the front room?”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"​

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord.

" So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put the bible away you jackass, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.​

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
<br>The little boy says, ‟Dark in here.”

The man says, ‟Yes, it is.” Boy - ‟I have a baseball.”

Man - ‟That's nice.”

Boy - ‟Want to buy it?”

Man - ‟No, thanks.”

Boy - ‟My dad's outside.”

Man - ‟OK, how much?”

Boy - ‟$250”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - ‟Dark in here.”

Man - ‟Yes, it is.”

Boy - ‟I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‟How much?”

Boy - ‟$750”

Man - ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove, let us go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, ‟I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”

Boy - ‟$1,000”

The father says, ‟That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I am going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”

The priest says, ‟Don't start that shit again.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"​

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The whole family are having breakfast together when…​

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.


The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"