Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.​

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea,

outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and

redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauds. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."

 

[01dragonslayer]

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"​

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells​

So I took her to New Jersey

 

[01dragonslayer]

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”​

I responded, “pesticide”

 

[01dragonslayer]

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical​

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do with it." Says the doctor, "How old was your father before he died?"

"Who said my father was dead?"

"You're 80 years old and your father is still alive?" The doctor says in disbelief.

"Yep" replied the man, "He is 100 years old and went turkey hunting with me this morning."

"That's amazing!" Exclaims the doctor, "But then how old was your Grandpa when he passed?"

"Who said my grandpa was dead?"

The doctor is shocked and asks, "Your Grandpa is still alive?"

"Yep, he's 120. But he couldn't join us this morning, he had to get ready for his wedding."

Puzzled, the doctor asks, "Why would a 120 year old man want to get married?"

And the man responses, "Who said he wanted to get married?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father​

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me and a lovely mother to our three kids." The father nodded back to his son with a knowing look and replied.

"That's great son, but when I said 'pick two' I meant pick the second one."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What does Putin have in common with his father?​

They both should have pulled out when they had the chance.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?​

Man 1: No, shark attack.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The founding fathers were having a discussion about the originations of their last names​

"I wonder if someone in my family ran a laundry business" mused George Washington, "that may be the reason"

"I suppose mine is more boring, at some point there must have been a Jeffer son", said Thomas Jefferson.

"I don't like this game", said John Hancock

 

[01dragonslayer]

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»​

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked.​

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

 

[01dragonslayer]

An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.​

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.​

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”

“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”

“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”

“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”

“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”

“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”

The priest falls silent.

“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”

The priest still did not answer.

“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”

The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry.

“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”

“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad​

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They said they were looking for something. Thanks, son. It looks like I will get the crops planted.

Your loving and grateful father

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...​

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Son asks his father for a gift​

Son: - Dad I need a gift for my birthday

Dad: - What do you want Son

Son: - I need a Bitcoin

Dad: - What?? Why do you need $ 35K for?? You know how difficult it is to earn $ 25K dollars?? You will learn difficulty of earning $ 40K when you get a job

 

[01dragonslayer]

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night​

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is just a coincidence.

A few weeks later the father again finds his son praying in the middle of the night ' Good night mommy, goodnight daddy, bye bye granny'. The next day he hears that his mother in law died in the middle of the day. The father now thinks that his son can predict the future and becomes scared of it.

A few weeks later, the father again finds his son praying but this time it was just 'goodnight mommy, bye bye daddy'. The father now loses his mind and becomes scared. He runs out of the house in the night. The father thinks that since it is his last day, he might as well live life for once. He spends the next day outdoors enjoying the nature one last time. The day ends and night arrives, but nothing happened.

The father is overjoyed and thinks to himself that his son was wrong and the earlier predictions were just coincidences. He rushes home to his family. The wife asks him ' Stu where the hell where you?, I have been calling you all day long on the damn phone'. He says ' I was just having a bad day'.

The wife tells him 'You think you were having a bad day, well try this, today my boss dropped dead in front of me in the middle of the day'

 

[01dragonslayer]

As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father​

I mean, it's a little apparent.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”​

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.​

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

- What was that for? - he asks, confused.

- FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!