Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Last night, my wife said to me in bed "You have a messed up relationship with your mother."​

I rolled over the other way and said "Ma, are you hearing this shit??"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Letter from a Polish mother to her son​

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you are an aunt or uncle.

Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought
them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going until New Years Day. I went to the doctor on Thrusday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First for three days, and then for four days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within 7 days, up she comes.

Your loving mother,

P.S. I was going to send you $10.00 but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

[01dragonslayer]

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"​

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
>The teacher grabbed Billy, and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, " Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

Billy sat up straight and said, "I ***KNEW*** that damn thing had wheels!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"​

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little boy asks his mother: Mom, is Grandpa a mechanic?​

No, why?
Because he’s outside under a bus.

 

[01dragonslayer]

They said I have a face that only a mother could love.​

But so far none of the mothers in my basement do, I guess I will keep looking.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.​

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.”



The Taxi driver turned around and said; “Why don’t you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money. Said the Driver”.



The Boy’s eyes got wide and asked; “Mummy is that true?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; “Yes.!!”



After a few minutes, the boy asked; “Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?.”



She replied; “Most of them become Taxi drivers.



Moral of the Story -

Silence is Golden

 

[01dragonslayer]

My mother had me at a very young age.​

In fact, I was a newborn.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Vladimir Putin visits a school...​

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is visiting his mother's grave at the cemetery.​

He notices another man on his knees weeping wildly and exclaiming, "Oh why did you have to die? Oh WHY did you have to die??" First man says to him, "I'm so sorry for your grief. You two must have been close". Second man wipes away tears and replies, "Oh, I never knew him". Puzzled, the first guy asks, "If you never knew him then why are you so upset? Who was he"?. Second guy stood up and said, "He was my wife's first husband".

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed.​

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Reminiscing about my mother...​

She would always say 'It's now or never'.

Wonderful woman, absolutely shit at crosswords.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother is scolding her son:​

Your teacher called me today. He told me you said the "C" word in class. Is that true?

Yes, mum.

That wasn't clever now, was it?

No mum, it was cunt.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother​

Runs in the family

 

[01dragonslayer]

A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"​

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why is my other cousin named Candy?"

"Well, your aunt Ruth named her daughter Candy because she likes to eat candy. Why do you ask, Dick?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

My mother always used to say ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’​

She’s a lovely woman but a terrible surgeon.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?​

"Look mom, no hands."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery​

One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?”

Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.”

Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?”

Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head.”

Then, Rose looks at the tombstone and points at the name written on it.

“So why is that their name?” Rose asks.

Her mom sighs and says “We’ll always remember Samsung Smart Fridge.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.​

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”

Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mother and daughter go to the doctor​

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

Then they go to another doctor and again he tells them the daughter is pregnant. She then again leaves insulted at the doctor for such a diagnosis

Then they go to a third doctor,as he is reviewing the daughter lab results, the mother says “can you please confirm me that those two other doctors were quacks and unprofessional please? My daughter is not pregnant! I know this!”

After some reflection the doctor then says: “you are right ma’am, she is Not Pregnant”

The mother then jumps with joy saying “aha I knew it! Those incompetent fools shouldn’t even have gone to medical school”

However, interrupts the doctor “just make sure you buy a nice stroller so you can take to the park the huge fart she is going to have in 7 months”