Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.​

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea,

outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and

redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauds. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them.​

You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them."

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

An IT guy walks into a bar​

An IT guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, I've always wondered, how do you make a motherboard?" the bartender asks him. "Usually I just tell her about my job," the IT guy replies

 

[01dragonslayer]

A free range child is a sign of a good mother.​

Unless she's a cannibal, which makes it a sign of a good farmer.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother​

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up about his hands being cold.
She tells him “Put them in between my legs, they’ll warm right up.”
So he does and they warm up, a few minutes pass and he starts complaining again… his nose is cold.
She says, “Put it between my legs it’ll warm up”

Later that night she gets home and asks her mother, “Mom, what’s a penis?”
Her mom freaks out and asks, “Why?”
She replies, “Because it sure is messy when it thaws out”

 

[01dragonslayer]

After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.​

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"​

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!​

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’
‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother, father, and 6-year-old son go to a zoo..​

where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the bathroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.
“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” “No, between its legs! That, what is that?” The mother goes red. “Oh, that’s... that’s nothing, honey.”


The father returns and the mother goes off to use the bathroom. Still curious, the sons asks his dad:
“Daddy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “His trunk, son.” “No, further back!” “You mean his tail?” “No, that thing! Between his legs!” “Oh, that! Well, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “Oh!... Why did Mommy say it was nothing?” “Son, I have SPOILED that woman.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Your mother has been with us for 20 years, said John.​

Isn’t it time she got a place of her own? My mother? replied Helen. I thought she was your mother.

 

[01dragonslayer]

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”​

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh for fuck sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"​

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”​

I responded, “pesticide”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.​

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow!​

A married couple, Harry, and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “**Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?**
She said she would like something electric.”
Harry replies, “How about a chair?”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother was having a baby and the father was out of the room eating food. A nurse ran up to the father and told him “the doctor is ready to deliver your baby”…​

The father looked at the nurse with a scared face and said “I’d rather my baby be born with a liver.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

My son was born with 5 penises​

I was devastated

His mother was devastated

His uncle just smiled and said - "his underpants will fit him like a glove..."
U

 

[01dragonslayer]

Happy belated Mother’s Day to Mother Nature​

I would have come out to say it yesterday, but she had me grounded

 

[01dragonslayer]

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife​

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.​

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!