Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:​

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A conversation between a camel and its mother​

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have humps on our back?

Mother camel: So that we can store food and water for many days when we trek for long distances in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have thick eyelashes?

Mother camel: So that we can avoid sand from entering our eyes during a sandstorm in a desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why have we got wide feet?

Mother camel: So that we can trek easily in the desert

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have such long legs?

Mother camel: So that we can walk easily on sand and keep our body high above it in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum?

Mother camel: Yes dear?

Baby camel: Then what the hell are we doing in the zoo?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it​

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome as it protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents and naturally, they ride the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' He says, and in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm and Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling and mom is beaming from ear to ear, but still ... . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket, but as he stands up the father immediately shouts: 'Ok, ok, I'll go do the fuckin’ dishes!!'

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.​

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife".
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops."
"She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

Pin drop silence in the class !!

''Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?"

"Stay away from Mummy when she's drunk```......!!!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Having homosexual parents must be terrible​

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

 

[01dragonslayer]

What are a trans parents pronouns​

Who/where

 

[01dragonslayer]

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...​

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

 

[01dragonslayer]

How to correctly give parent your school report​

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

 

[01dragonslayer]

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...​

I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's the difference between growing up and becoming a parent?​

Growing up is realizing alcohol is not neccessary to have a good time.

Becoming a parent is realizing having a good time is not neccessary for needing alcohol.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Dinner With the Parents​

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!" The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The headmaster of a school arranges a meeting with a student's parents​

"I'm sorry to inform you but your son has been blowing smoke in the locker-rooms everyday for around a week" The headmaster says

"What? I can assure you i have no idea where he learns such things! Could You call him here please?" The woman asks, angrily

A few minutes later a boy arrives

"Huh...? This isn't my son" The woman says in confusion

"Your son? I'm smoke" The boy replies

 

[01dragonslayer]

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,​

“We want ten thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A motorbike got separated from its parents in a supermarket…​

An announcement was made to help identify the bike.
“Has anyone lost their motorbike? He claims he is Harley & Davids son”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.​

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

*“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”*

 

[01dragonslayer]

a door-to-door salesman​

A door-to-door salesman on his neighborhood rounds knocks on the door of a house. A little boy, no older than five, answers. The boy is wearing a velvet robe. In one hand is a brandy snifter filled halfway with liquor. In the other hand is a lit cigar. The boy takes a sip, then a puff.

The door-to-door salesman, shocked, asks, "Uh, are you parents home?"

The little boy says, "Does it fucking look like it?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…​

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” “No, between its legs! That, what is that?” The mother goes red. “Oh, that’s... that’s nothing, honey.”

The father returns and the mother goes off to use the restroom. Still curious, the son asks his dad:

“Daddy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “His trunk, son.” “No, further back!” “You mean his tail?” “No, that thing! Between his legs!” “Oh, that! Well, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “Oh!... Why did Mommy say it was nothing?” “Son, I have SPOILED that woman.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

One time as a child, I walked in on my parents while engaged in an adult act…​

It was the worst half hour of my life.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Johnny wakes up one night…​

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming.

Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life".

Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside.

He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What’s yellow and comes in the morning to brighten every parent’s day?​

The school bus.