Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...​

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They're my favorite band of all time. When they went on their And Justice For All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the World Music Theater!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date!"*

 

[01dragonslayer]

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital​

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.

"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.

"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time​

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. They're sitting in the living room chatting when he realizes that he really needs to fart. It's so bad that he's in extreme pain. Finally, he can't help it. He lifts one cheek and let's out a squeeker. "Spot" the father yells looking at the dog curled at the young man's feet. "Great" the young man thinks. "He thinks it's the dog. If I let a couple more fly I'll be fine." The young man let's out a slightly noisier fart. "Spot!" the father yells. The young man looks down at the dog feigning disgust, pleased at his ruse, and thinks "one more and I'm good." He goes for broke and rips off a monster. The father screams "Spot! Get away from that boy before he shits on you!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.​

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion?’ Then she called his father and he also slapped him.

The next day when the teacher saw him with his face red and asked what happened, Mohammad said, ‘Madam, four hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Arabs'.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My parents couldn't have more opposite jobs. My dad works behind the camera for his real estate company...​

My mom works in front of the camera for her fake taxi company.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)​

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know."

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancee, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancee. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law."

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glove compartment.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom....​

He saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.


One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.


Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.​

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...​

“Just ignore them!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

I heard somewhere that 1 in 5 people is Chinese​

And there's 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese

I know I'm not Chinese, and I'm pretty sure my parents aren't Chinese so that leaves my 2 brothers

Colin and Chong Lin

I think it's Colin

 

[01dragonslayer]

A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.​

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, the students guess every flavor they can think of until the room is silent, they can't figure it out. Finally, the teacher says, "Alright class, I'll give you a hint. It's something your parents probably call each other all the time!" The kids are all quiet for a few seconds until Little Johnny gasps, stands up and yells, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two parents want to have sex​

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're right

So the wife says in a louder voice:

-Honey, what are our neighbours doing?

The son replies:

-Well, Ms.Miller is moaning the lawn, Mr.Richard is washing his car and Jason's parents are having sex

-WHAT?! Honey, how do you know that??

-Because Jason is sitting on the balcony

 

[01dragonslayer]

Worst Parents​

I have the worst parents ever.

I asked them how they felt about abortion, and they told me to ask my brother.

Not only would they not give me a straight answer, I don't even have a brother.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two parents are dragging their 15 year old son to a lion safari.​

"Mom, Dad, why do I have to go? I'm 15 and we're going to a frickin lion safari????"

"Son, it's pronounced 'African' Lion Safari."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My parents told me I was adopted.​

You mean you're not my real parents?! My dad said, 'we are, you've been adopted, get your shit together, they're picking you up in an hour'.

 

[01dragonslayer]

my parents raised me as an only child…​

which really pissed off my sister

 

[01dragonslayer]

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her, "Where are your parents?", and she started crying even more.​

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Kids orbit their parents like moons.​

It's why they can't see their dark sides.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time
As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the same.

She asked a third time, and the conductor clearly agitated replied, "not yet, I will let you know when we get there."

Sarah then fell asleep and when she woke up, she could not wait anymore so she asked, "Have we reached Entebbe?"
The conductor instantly realized his mistake but it was too late, Entebbe was too far behind, "we have already passed it," he replied.
"But I told you to remind me when we reached," cried Sarah.

The other passengers who had been watching the situation unfold agreed that the conductor was clearly in the wrong and should turn the bus back.
The conductor and driver reluctantly agreed and so they turned back.

When they reached Entebbe, the conductor informed Sarah.
She promptly removed a container from her bag and started eating from it. The conductor, running out of patience, asked her why she was not getting out.

Sarah replied, "No, this not my stop. My mum told me when the bus reached Entebbe I am to eat the food she packed for me. She said If I ate too soon, I would become hungry again on the way."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I was going to make a depressed joke​

But my parents already did.