Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma​

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

 

[01dragonslayer]

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.​

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A girl brought her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents for the first time​

When they were all sitting down to eat the boy sits down at the dinner table when he notices the family dog curls up right at his feet.

Dinner is going well when all of the sudden the boy accidentally lets out a tiny fart.

"Hey Bowser!" the girl's father whispered to the dog nudging him with his feet under the table.

*Hey that's pretty good,* the boy thinks, *He thinks it's the dog!*

So the boy decides to let out another fart, slightly louder this time.

"Bowser!" He said again, slightly more agitated this time.

So feeling more comfortable, the boy lets out a much louder rip and the girl's father looks under the table suddenly and says:

"Bowser! Get out of there before that guy shits on you!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'​

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

 

[01dragonslayer]

A country music star and a renown chemist fell in love, got married, and quickly became pregnant with triplets. When the three girls were born, the happy parents decided to name them...​

Jolyne, Jolene, and Jolane

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?​

They were all relatives.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There lived a family of the Jacksons...(long)​

The parents ran a nail store, and their son was a marketologist. Once the father said: "We're going on vacation, look after the store while we're gone". Son says: "Dad, I'm a marketologist, how can I sell your nails? I know nothing about them!" Dad replies: "I know you can handle it. Maybe make an ad for our store or something". 5 days pass by, the father calls up the son to check up on him, and the son announced that the storages are empty, and they have to buy more. Dad asks in disbelief: "What on Earth did you do?" Son says: "I just made an ad, like you told me to. You can look at it if you want". Dad looks at the ad the son sent him and sees a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below it says: "Jackson's nails, holding on for more than 2000 years". Dad yells: "You idiot! We're Orthodox, take it down immediately!" The son did what he was told, and another week passes by. Dad calls again, and finds out that the storages are empty again. He asks angrily: "What the hell did you make now?" Son replies: "You told me to take down the last ad so I did and made a new one, look". Dad looks at the new ad. It is now a picture of the cross without Jesus on it. Below it says: "If only they had Jackson's nails..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.​

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"​

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did John Lennons parents say to him to get him to eat his veggies when he was a kid?
All we are saying, is give peas a chance

 

[01dragonslayer]

My parents named me and my sister after anagrams of things they love most...​

So my sister is Teresa because they love Easter, still not worked out why I'm called Alan.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a baby deer with no parents?​

An orfawn.

 

[01dragonslayer]

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!​

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed."

The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says "all we are missing in my family is my older brother. He wen't off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family."

The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.

Finally they come to the last student, Little David. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. "Little David, what about you... what is something needed by your family?" Little David stands up briefly and says "nothing, we have everything" and sits back down. The teacher, slightly upset, asks "Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be so sure that your family doesn't need a thing?"

Little David stands back up and says "well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant! My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said "Damn it! That's all we needed!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.​

Runs in the family.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I don't get the point of threesomes.​

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.​

(DISCLAIMER: I heard my father telling this joke to his friends when I was little. Sorry if this has been posted here before)



A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.

The mugger said,

"I am not a bad person. I've never done this before. It's just that I desperately need money RIGHT NOW, so as long as the both of you comply, no one will get hurt."

The couple nod their heads and reluctantly agreed to the mugger's demands.

As the couple frantically gather any money and jewellery they have in them, the mugger turns his attention to the woman and asked,

"You, what's your name?"

"My name's Maria", the woman nervously responds.

The mugger was taken aback. You can see the hesitation in his eyes. After almost 5 seconds of silence, the mugger said,

"You know what? Keep your stuff and just put your hands up."

The woman said,

"Thank you very much, but may I ask why the change of heart?"

The mugger replied,

"You share the same name with my mother. My parents showered me with love and reminded me to always have a positive outlook in life and to treat everyone with respect,and the thought of pointing a gun at my mother just... it feels wrong. You have nothing to worry about now."

The woman acknowledges and puts her hands up. Now the mugger turns his attention to the man and asked,

"How about you, what's your name?"

The man confidently replied,

"My name's Andrew, but my friends call me Maria."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream​

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.


"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."


"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."


So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.


"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!


Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My parents named me after my older brother.​

And before my younger brother.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)​

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know."

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancee, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancee. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law."

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glove compartment.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Smith family is having a reunion.​

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.

Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me fart"