Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.​

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

 

[01dragonslayer]

a family of hookers. a Grandma, a Mom, and a daughter​

The three were talking about current menu prices and since the mom and grandma prostitute are retired.

The Daughter says "right now I charge $120 for a blowjob."

"Holy cow!" The mom says, "back in my day it was only $30."

"HAAAA!" The grandma says, "back in my day we used to give blow job's just to have something warm in our stomachs."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"​

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

My father is having surgery to remove his hemorrhoids. Our whole family is very excited.​

He won't be a complete asshole from now on.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The whole family are having breakfast together when…​

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.


The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A family checks in to a hotel​

The father walks up to the concierge and says “im checking in with my family, i hope the porn is disabled”
The concierge responds “its just regular porn you sick fuck”

 

[01dragonslayer]

In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...​

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would bring his family glory, and the other family would be forced to leave the territory for good.


The night before the duel, the Father of one clan approached his son and asked him why he decided to do this. Surely there was another way. The son responded he could no longer stand the fighting, and would rather die than deal with it any longer.


Besides, he was older and knew he could easily best the eldest son of the opposing clan. He also had a superior disarming technique and could quickly end it all. He was certain of his victory.

He continued to meditate and focus until the very moment of the duel. He could practically visualize the battle. He knew his opponents every move- he had spied on the past training sessions of his rookie opponent, and knew his every weakness. He was ready.


When the time came, he donned his gear and made his way to the Arena. They approached each other from opposing ends. They stopped. Both bowed low in respect.



Then as they lifted their heads back up, it was a flurry of sparks and slashes as the two went head to head.

Such a display of combative grace had never been seen before. Both were clearly masters of their craft. As they continued to exchange blows, the older of the two saw his opening and struck.



The younger fighter's sword hand had been lost. However, at that very moment the sword spun in a way that cut off both legs of the older fighter, dropping him to the floor in a splatter of blood.


The younger fighter reached down and picked his sword back up with his left hand and finished his downed opponent in a quick display of mercy.



Later, as the Heads of both clans met to sign their peace treaty, the Father of the older fighter approached the younger fighter. He told him that he held no animosity toward him - he fought valiantly to the very end. He only blamed his own son's foolishness, and as he walked away he muttered sadly to himself...

"I just don't understand where he went wrong. He was supposed to be the greatest Samurai of our time..."

To which the younger fighter responds:

"He was indeed an excellent fighter, but while he was focused on disarming me, I simply focused on de-feeting him."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A family is visiting a museum in the US​

Soon, they see two skeletons and the father asks the museum guide:

\- Whose skeleton is this?

\- This is the George Washington's skeleton.

\- Oh, and that smaller skeleton?

\- That's George Washington's skeleton as a child.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A family is driving behind a garbage truck…​

when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.” To which one of the boys replies,

“I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

I thought our family was a Dad-tatership…​

My wife now informs me it is in fact a Mom-archy.

 

[01dragonslayer]

As I was introducing my family to our new neighbors, the guy exclaimed, “Wow! Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I chuckled and said...​

“Well, they *were* separated at birth!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A poorly translated Dutch joke: A family called "Vermeer" has a construction supply shop​

Next to the front door they have a cross with Jesus hanging on it with the text "for two thousand years, Jesus has hanged here with nails of Vermeer."

Their shop was in The Veluwe, i.e. the Dutch Bible belt, so the local municipality got upset and told the family to change it.

So the family removed the cross and changed the text to "here jesus fell off the wall, with the nails of Vermeer this wouldn't have happened at all."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I think my family is racist...​

When I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

 

[01dragonslayer]

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.​

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army​

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russian side of the border. If you die on the Ukrainian side of the border, then all hope is lost

"If you die on the Russian side of the border, you have two options: either you're buried in the battlefield, or under a tree. If you're buried in the battlefield, then all hope is lost.

"If you're buried under a tree, you have two options: either the tree lives or it gets chopped. If the tree lives, then all hope is lost.

"If the tree is chopped, you have two options: you will be made into pencils or paper. If they make pencils out of you, then all hope is lost.

"If they make paper out of you, you have two options: you will become writing paper or toilet paper. If you become writing paper, then all hope is lost.

"If you become toilet paper, you have two options: you will be placed in the men's room or the women's room. If you're placed in the men's room, then all hope is lost.

"If you're placed in the women's room, you have two options: you're going to be used on the behind side or the front side. If you're used on the behind side, then all hope is lost."

"And what if I get used on the front side?"

"Well, Vanya, that's basically the same as getting married."

 

[01dragonslayer]

As a Family we could‘nt decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated​

so we let her live.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A cow gets stolen from a family…​

The mother cries to her three sons, “Boys! Some prick has stolen our cow!”

The first son says, “If it’s a prick, it must be someone from Randville”

The second son, “If it’s someone from Randville, they must be short”

The third son, “If it’s someone short from Randville, it must be Lazy Eye Bob”

So the 3 sons make their way to Randville, find Lazy Eye Bob and beat the shit out of him.

Soon enough all three brothers appear before a judge for beating up Bob. The judge listens to the whole story and something doesn’t add up.

“If what you say is true, then I have one last thing to ask you before I make my decision”, says the judge. “Bring out the mystery box”, the judge tells the bailiff.

“What’s in the mystery box?”, the judge asks of three brothers.

The first brother says, “Well, if it’s a box then the object inside must be round”

The second, “If it’s round it must be green”

The third, “If it’s round and green it must be an apple”

The judge reaches out to the box and long and behold, to his own surprise, he does find a green apple in the box.

The judge turns to Bob and says, “Hey, prick. Return the cow to the family”

 

[01dragonslayer]

There lived a family of the Jacksons...(long)​

The parents ran a nail store, and their son was a marketologist. Once the father said: "We're going on vacation, look after the store while we're gone". Son says: "Dad, I'm a marketologist, how can I sell your nails? I know nothing about them!" Dad replies: "I know you can handle it. Maybe make an ad for our store or something". 5 days pass by, the father calls up the son to check up on him, and the son announced that the storages are empty, and they have to buy more. Dad asks in disbelief: "What on Earth did you do?" Son says: "I just made an ad, like you told me to. You can look at it if you want". Dad looks at the ad the son sent him and sees a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below it says: "Jackson's nails, holding on for more than 2000 years". Dad yells: "You idiot! We're Orthodox, take it down immediately!" The son did what he was told, and another week passes by. Dad calls again, and finds out that the storages are empty again. He asks angrily: "What the hell did you make now?" Son replies: "You told me to take down the last ad so I did and made a new one, look". Dad looks at the new ad. It is now a picture of the cross without Jesus on it. Below it says: "If only they had Jackson's nails..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is shopping for a dog for his family…​

He visits a dog farm just outside of town, and meets with the farmer. The farmer is very helpful, and shows the man his dog cages, where he breeds all different types of dogs.

“Here’s the Dalmatians, they’re $200 each. Here’s the Bassett Hounds, they’re $100 each,” says the farmer. As the farmer is speaking, the man notices an old dog sitting by himself in a cage.

“Why is that dog all by himself?”, he asks the farmer.

“Oh, him? That’s my talking dog. Just ignore him,” replies the farmer.

“I don’t believe this. A talking dog? Can I go talk to him?” asks the man.

After getting permission from the farmer, the man approaches the dog.

“Do you really talk?”

The dog looks up slowly to the man and replies, “of course I talk. I’m 175 years old.”

The man is astonished. “Wow! 175 years old? Really?”

“Yep,” says the dog, “175 years old. I’m a veteran dog. I marched with General Sherman during the Civil War. I fought at Somme in World War I, and I helped liberate France in World War II. I was wounded three different times, and I’ve got 95 children with 40 different women. I hate it here, but I’m an old dog so nobody wants to adopt me.”

“Unbelievable,” says the man, “thank you for your service. I will give you a good home and a family full of love.”

Turning to the farmer, the man asks “how much for the talking dog?”

“He’s yours for $5,” replies the farmer.

“Just $5?”, asks the man.

“Yes, $5.”

“How could a talking dog be so cheap?”, the man asks, pulling a $5 bill out of his wallet.

“Well,” sighs the farmer, “he talks alright, but you can’t believe a goddamn word that comes out of that dog’s mouth.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family​

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down under his seat and says, "Spot!" The boy looks down and realizes that the family dog is sitting under his chair and everyone thinks the dog is the offending party.

Relieved, the boy continues eating and trying to make awkward small talk. A few minutes later, he feels his stomach start churning again. He glances down and notices that the dog is still sitting under his chair so he inconspicuously adjusts himself and without looking up from his plate, lets out another slightly more audible fart. Again, the mom speaks out, a little more forcibly this time, "Spot!" The boy looks around and thanks Spot to himself for taking the heat.

Dinner continues and it seems to be going well. But once again, he feels the rumble. He looks down and sees that to his great fortune, Spot is still there and ready to make another noble sacrifice. This time however, the boy thinks "OK, this time, I'm going to just let it all out. Spot can take the blame and I won't have to worry about the gas the rest of the meal." So he leans forward just a bit and lets out a monstrous, reverberating fart.

The mom slams her hand on the table and this time shouts, "SPOT! Get out from under there before he shits on you!!!"