Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated after saving his family several times.​

His next film is going to be "Taken 4 Granted."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Family are arguing at the dinner table​

Wife says to me “Remember, don’t take sides this time”.

Me, slowly putting potatoes in my pocket: “Why not? This is the perfect opportunity!”.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.​

I refused to come inside.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.​

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family. After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.” The wife then introduces him to the children. The parrot says “You have very nice children.” Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.​

We don't talk about Uno.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Who is a penguin's favorite family member?​

Aunt Artica

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.​

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]​

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education.

His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses.

However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant only a monthly basis.

Realising that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe.

Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbours. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the road side and sold naan.

His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide.

His rags to riches story drew the attention of media. When asked on his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest​

mom and dad

 

[01dragonslayer]

What can you say during sex and at a family dinner?​

That was great! I'm stuffed!

 

[01dragonslayer]

My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...​

I asked her what she found so funny?

"Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.​

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”
When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.
The Secretary then asked her,
”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”
The woman replied,
”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Perspective​

Three children are playing football in a park. Out of nowhere a large dog runs over to the group and attacks one of them unprovoked.

One of the other children tries to help his friend and kicks the dog in the head, killing it instantly.

A reporter who happened to be passing comes racing over to try and help, getting there just as the dog dies.

After making sure they are all okay he takes his notepad out and begins to dictate his story out loud...

"Heroic Manchester United fan saves friend from savage beast..."

"But I'm not a Man United fan" the boy interrupts.

"Brave City fan rescues friend from vicious..."

"I'm not a City fan either" says the boy.

"Then who do you support?" Asks the reporter.

"Liverpool" replies the lad.

"Scouse cunt kills family pet".

 

[01dragonslayer]

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.​

Papaya

 

[01dragonslayer]

I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics...​

I bet you they have a few skeletons in the cupboard.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert​

When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up on the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”

The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”

The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”

the husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

It's my birthday today and I'm fucking fuming with my family, they all clubbed together to get me a course of psychiatric therapy sessions.​

I'd asked for a crossbow.

 

[01dragonslayer]

At school​

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your, John.
John: my father is an electrician, mom a nurse and i have a younger sister in kindergarten.

T: very hard workers, hu? And you, Pier?

Pier: well... right now my father is taking care of my mom who had a health problem and my elder sister works as substitute.

T: wait a second. What you mean with "substitute"?

Pier: you see, every evening she dresses very skimpy clothes, she puts on a lot of makeup and dad takes her to some dark road where she wait for her friends. Perhaps, very nice friends cause they give her a lot of money!

T: Pier, your saying that you're sister is a prostitute, not a substitute!!!

Pier: Mr. Teacher, absolutely not. My mom is a prostitute but, since she's sick, my sister is substituting her!

 

[01dragonslayer]

How to Convince an Orthodox Christian Family to get a Dog?​

Tell them it's a Cross Breed.

 

[01dragonslayer]

When he was 10 years old, a boy went on a cross country trip with his family. (Long)​

They had seen the Grand Canyon and the world’s largest ball of string and today they were going to see the man with the best memory in the world. The man was Native American, and he entertained visitors at his home in Arizona.

The boy was very intrigued but struggled with how to test the man’s memory. When he met the man all the boy could think to ask was “What did you have for breakfast on my birthday, April 2, 1950. The Indian man quickly answered “Eggs”.

The boy walked away disappointed in himself at not asking a better question, but it was time to go. The boy vowed to return, and he did, 10 years later. In the meantime, the boy had become fascinated with Native American culture, even learning a little of the language. So upon meeting the man for the second time the boy greeted the man with a traditional greeting in his language – “How” (remember, it was 1970).

“Scrambled” said the Indian.