Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

At a funeral, a man asks the family of the deceased if he can say something.​

They say yes, so he stands up, clears his throat and says "Optometry".

The family looks confused, so he explains, "It means eye care."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.​

It’s a family hairloom.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.​

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<br>
The bull ends up costing exactly $599, but it's the cheapest one the stockyard has, so the brunette buys it, and goes to the nearest city kilometers away to contact her sister.



With only $1 left, the brunette is shocked to find out that the telegraph office charges $0.99 per word. Having no other way to bring the bull back except by dragging it across the harsh landscape, she commits to her decision.



"Greetings, I'd like a telegraph sent to my sister to go get our family carriage so we can haul the bull back home."



"Okay. Our cost is 99 cents a word."



"I have... 1 dollar here."



"1 dollar? That's one word, then."



"Send her the word 'comfortable'."



"Comfortable? H-how does that tell your sister that she needs to get the carriage and come over to haul the bull back to your home?"



"She's blonde, and she'll read it slowly... come-for-the-bull."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning​

Runs in the famil

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.​

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....​

From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.​

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.​

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.

'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'

 

[01dragonslayer]

44% of Marriages end in divorce.​

That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
I love statistics.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Trump’s third marriage is successful for one simple reason:​

He and Melania agreed to have sex in different locations.

 

[01dragonslayer]

my first marriage didn't work out because my wife was too messy​

Every time I went to piss in the sink she had dishes in it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

In every marriage, there’s one person who is always right…​

…and the other person is the husband.

 

[01dragonslayer]

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.​

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"​

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the horse and we continued our riding, after a while her horse again throw her off, she got up calmly cleared the dust and facing the horse said "that's two" and got back on the horse and we continued our ride, and both times i was amazed by how calm and peaceful my wife is, after a while her horse again for ive 3rd time throw her off, my wife calmly got up cleared the dust off of her dress, grabbed the shotgun and shot ive horse in the face, i, shocked by what ive seen started yelling at her calling her crazy and insane, my wife however kept looking at me calmly, once i finished she said "that's one" ."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.​

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

 

[01dragonslayer]

The marriage counselor suggested we try different positions.​

I said, "We can't be too long, my wife is on the way."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Some people ask the secret of my long marriage.​

My wife and I take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The effects of marriage on sex.​

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My wife said marriage is like a deck of cards​

In the beginning alls you need is two hearts, then in the end, alls you need is a club and a spade.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Captain's wife after a year of marriage​

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest leader of a worthy crew, and a loyal lover. When he returns from a particularly long time on the briney main, he scoops her in his arms, carries her up to their bed, and finds she has shaven her port bare, and had a replica of the Rigid Timber tattooed there between her thighs. This way, whether he returns or not, he can do the honorable thing, and go down on his ship.