Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."​

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Parent Teacher conference​

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."



The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''



The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet," the dad replies.

The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."



The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"

"They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.



"That's what I said" the boy replies.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited​

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Meeting the family...and the dog​

A sincere but nervous young man was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

Everything started smoothly; the parents considered that he was a polite fellow and seemed happy enough that their daughter was dating him.

At dinner time, everyone is at the table. The parents are on one side, the guy and his girlfriend are on the other. The family's dog, curious about this new person, comes and sits at the side of the guy.

A few minutes later, the guy's nerves get the better of him and he farts. Not loudly, but audibly.

"Rover!" the father shouts at the dog, who whines.

"Phew", thinks the guy, "he thought it was the dog".

Bit later, the guy farts again, somewhat louder this time.

"Rover!" yells the father. The dog whines again.

The guy can't believe his luck.

Just before dessert, the guy lets rip once more, with a fart which invokes the Richter scale.

"Rover!" exclaims the father. "Get away from that guy before he actually shits on you!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday.​

The next day we named the Dog curiosity.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Was going to post an original joke my parents made 27 years ago​

But r/jokes won't let me post my selfies

 

[01dragonslayer]

there’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight.​

the parents aren't home

 

[01dragonslayer]

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today​

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out.

I’m no longer allowed at my sons school.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What sexual position makes ugly babies?​

Idk, ask your parents.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Americans care about Ukrainians like my parents care about unborn children​

Enough to donate a couple bucks, but not enough to adopt one.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.​

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have much money or many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first woman looks ashamed. "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was only trying to impress you. You know that holiday I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents' house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Oh, ladies, I'm just as bad. It's not a Porsche he bought me, but an old, battered Skoda."

"Well, I also have a confession to make," said the third.

"Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”​

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.​

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My GF gave me a BJ on the drive over to her parents house.​

In hindsight, she should have waited until after we dropped them off.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.​

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

 

[01dragonslayer]

I told my kids I wanted to be a trans-parent​

They knew I was joking because they could see right through me

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the Dad Joke tell his pun-in-law about how to raise his grandchildren.​

It'll come naturally when you're full groan. After all, that's when a joke's pun becomes a parent.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My Parents Love Me​

Whenever I went to bathe they would shower me with Toasters, Hair Dryers, and Fans.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real​

I was heartbroken...


I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

 

[01dragonslayer]

The screw and the bellybutton​

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imaginable, none seems to know what was that thing. They decide to keep it a secret, so he wouldn't feel embarrassed, like some kids have blue eyes, some brown, some have bellybuttons some have screws. So the kid grows up, everything goes smoothly, he is smart and kind and a good boy, he reaches high school, falls in love, he makes out for the first time, all is teenage-smooth, he takes off his blouse and the girl goes *woah, WTF is that* and the boy realizes for the first time that his screw is not so normal, the girl flees with disgust, calls him a mutant and body-shames him, he goes back home shamed and desperate.

To ease his pain, parents try doctors, surgeons, engineers, nothing works. The boy turns to mystic stuff and spiritual shit to find answers and ends up to a witch of sorts, with crystal ball and bat poo and rat intestines and everything. The witch informs the boy of an old curse, and that many have suffered. The answer, she claims, is to be found on a sacred lake up in the mountain, where he has to pray on its shore for three days and nights, nude, without intermission.

Desperate, the boy, goes to the lake. He stands in the shore, stark naked in the cold, and prays. One day, two days, three days. On the third day, before it ends, full moon on a clear sky, peace and quiet, exhausted the boy hears a -pop-. And another. And another. Pop, pop, pop. Bubbles start forming in the center of the lake. More and more. Little waves start coming to his feet. A cloud covers the moon. Wolves start howling, wind starts blowing, birds start fleeing, waves start crushing the shore. Roars from within the earth, like a volcano. The boy is scared shitless. And then, right before his eyes, a glorious purple elf, in the size of a big tree, rises from the lake, holding a huuuge screwdriver, his yellow eyes bright in the darkness. The elf sees the boy and thrusts the screw driver onto his bellybutton. One, two, three, there goes the screw. It submerges again in the lake, wolves shut up, clouds retreat, no wind, peace, again.

The boy catches his breath. I'm alive, he contemplates. He touches his bellybutton, all normal and pure like all bellybuttons. I'm free! He shouts! Normal! A real boy! His joy is enormous, his exhaustion gone, his lifeforce fully restored. He takes a deep exhilarating breath, he tries to get up

and his ass falls down.





PS. Sorry.