Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Parent lecturing their daughter after she was caught having sex in the car​

Parent: at least tell me you practiced safe sex!

Daughter: duh, of course we did! He went the speed limit the whole time

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the famished eaglet beg his parents?​

"Prey for me!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why couldn’t the pirate watch a movie without a parent?​

It was rated Arrr

 

[01dragonslayer]

A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.​

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
The girls boyfriend shakes their hands and says: "Nice to meet you too. My name is Tobias and I am here to fuck your daughter.".
The father stares at him shocked and says angrily: "Excuse me?? To what?!"
"It's Tobias, but you can call me Tobi if you like", he responds and walks in.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.​

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
r>George's parents immediately stormed into the classroom. "Our son is not dumb!" they yelled. "He is a sweet and kind young lad with plenty of potential!"

"He has no potential at all!" shrieked Mrs. Jones. "He was born an idiot and he'll die an idiot!"

The Gundersons were so outraged that they immediately moved to Chicago.

Some thirty years later, Mrs. Jones came down with a terrible illness and went to her doctor.

"You have a very rare disease," the doctor said. "There is only one doctor in the whole country who can sure your disease. His name is Dr. Gunderson, and he works in the Chicago hospital."

At once, Mrs. Jones bought a plane ticket to Chicago. After arriving in Chicago, she went straight to the hospital and asked for Dr. Gunderson.

While treating Mrs. Jones, Dr. Gunderson put her on a life support system. One day, she asked him, "You know, Dr. Gunderson, I don't believe you ever told me your first name. What is it?"

Dr. Gunderson was about to answer, when suddenly, Mrs. Jones collapsed. She was dead.

Dr. Gunderson saw that the janitor had absentmindedly unplugged the life support system so he could plug in his vacuum cleaner. He shook his head and said the the janitor, "You know, George, sometimes I can't believe you're my brother."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.​

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Blondes​

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, young man!"

Once the kid understood what was happening and was sitting quietly, she wrote a ransom note that said, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning at 7 o'clock, put $10,000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the pine tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground." She signed it "Blondie"…

She pinned the note to the kid's striped tee-shirt and then sent him home to show his parents…

The next morning, the blonde went to the playground, looked under the pine tree, and there it was, the brown paper bag. She looked in the bag, and the $10,000 she demanded was there, along with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

 

[01dragonslayer]

A kid walks into his parent’s room​

He sees that his mom and dad are fucking.
He asks his dad “ Dad, what are you doing ? “
The Dad says “ I’m getting you a new baby brother or sister by doing it like this…”
The kid replies “ But I don’t want a baby brother or sister, can you do it doggystyle so i can get a pet instead ? “

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three children ask their parents how they got their names​

The parents reply to the first child, “That’s east Rose, not long after you were born a rose petal fell onto your head”.

The second child butts in, “But dad where did you you get the name Daisy?”

“The same as your sister, a daisy petal fell on your head”

“Mughuahuhwawawah”
r>“Shut up Fridge!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why didn’t Anna and Elsa’s parents teach them the whole alphabet?​

Because they got lost at C.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…​

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty
And finally...
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Dear parents​

if your kids are taking long inside the bathroom and you want them to come out, simply turn off the wireless/Internet.
and you might even see your neighbor showing up at your door, asking: is there a problem?

 

[01dragonslayer]

How can you tell with 100% certainty that a parent is treating their kid right?​

The kids cage is cleaned regularly.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time​

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with me.

Then just as he is about to pay he tells the guy “you know what give me another one, my mother in law is one of those MILFs who hits the gym a lot and you never know right?

He then goes to have dinner with his GF and her family, afterwards his Gf Tell him, “you were so quiet, didn’t know you were so shy”

To which Mike replies “well, I didn’t know your daddy was a Pharmacist...”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce​

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!

 

[01dragonslayer]

My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin​

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

 

[01dragonslayer]

My wife told me she wanted to have a threesome with me and one of her female friends.​

I told her that if I really wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd call my parents.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I walked in on my parents having sex once.​

Most awkward 30 minutes of my life.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I'm going to my parents' house to eat eggs benedict​

You could say I'm coming home for the hollandaise.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.​

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.