Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.​

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

After a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."

 

[01dragonslayer]

As my dear departed mother used to say: "Hooray, hooray, the first of may!...."​

"Outdoor screwing starts today!" (She actually did teach me that. I was an adult but still.)

 

[01dragonslayer]

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.​

After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.

She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s dead!

No reply. The wife sighed sadly, “Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."​

and I had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

 

[01dragonslayer]

a boy goes to his mother​

The boy says to his mother "mom I'm going to a friend's house"

The mother responds "is it a girl"

The boy says "Yea"

"here, take these condoms"

"Mom, I'm only 14"

"Yea, and I'm 28

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...​

**The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:**

**Mother: Does this dress look good on me?**

**Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?**

**Mother: I promise.**

**Daughter: I'm pregnant.**

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"​

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My wifes mother called me yesterday and let me know im a good daddy.​

It was very nice of her.... but we don't have children.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"​

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."<br>
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I meant to get my mom an Edible Arrangement for Mother's Day​

Accidentally got an Oedipal Arrangement and boy is this brunch awkward

 

[01dragonslayer]

A religious mother sees her young son masturbating​

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have a man to man chat and I will make him understand the virtues of living in a religious way and make him get rid of this deplorable habit'.

The next day while driving together on their road trip the father tells the son that masturbating is a sin and is frowned upon in their religion and God punishes those who does it. The son is not convinced and tells his father that God has better things to do than watch him jerk off.

The father sees that his son doesn't believe in sin so he decides to try another approach, this time based on science. He tells him;

'Son do you know that masturbation can damage eye sight'?. The son doesn't believe it at first but was intrigued. 'What no way', he says ' No son, it's true, masturbating can cause eye defects'. The kid is now scared and says 'Really dad, but....but how?'.

The father then points to the road and says 'Son do you see those two cars in front of us?, A masturbation addict would see four cars. The son stares at the road for a moment and says;

'Uh....but dad there is only one car in front of us'

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother found out condoms in her daughter's dresser. She is obviously concerned, so she asks her, "Are you sexually active?" The daughter replies...​

Not really, mom. I just sort of lie there.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."​

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I was having breakfast with my mother recently when I made a Freudian slip...​

What I meant to say was, 'can you pass the butter please?' but what I actually said was 'YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE'.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I was having breakfast with my mother recently when I made a Freudian slip...​

What I meant to say was, 'can you pass the butter please?' but what I actually said was 'YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE'.

 

[01dragonslayer]

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.​

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.​

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.​

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she discovers the Aunt in the nude, and gives her a tight slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.​

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.​

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.”

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"