Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was In
charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the
brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it
Wants to go.
Eyes........ I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's
going.
A - - hole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the a - -hole very mad.



To prove his point, the a - -hole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste
whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the a - - hole be in charge.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.

"The bull just f….ed the brown cow."

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."

"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He f...ed the brown cow again!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

[01dragonslayer]

You might be a reneck if...
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"



The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree N*dist Camp?
A: Nothing -- the police wont look into it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas.

One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"




Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothin, my wifes dumber than that! She went shoppin yesterday and had a washin machine delivered."

They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!

The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my womans got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't got no pecker."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Who is a penguin's favourite aunt?
Aunt-arctica

 

[01dragonslayer]

Who is a penguin's favourite aunt?
Aunt-arctica

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde walks into a winter clothing store. She picks out a scarf and brings it to the counter to pay for it.
When she gets home, she turns right back around and takes it back to the store.

The store clerk asks why she's returning the scarf. "Because," she says, "it's too tight!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love. At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other.

"It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill says. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."

"Well, I'll be honest, too," Jody says. "I'm a hooker."

The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, "Are you keeping your wrists straight?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy in Paris steals several paintings from the Louvre Museum. But after he gets them out past security, his van runs out of gas two blocks away from the museum and he gets caught. The police ask how he could mastermind such a complex crime and then make such a moronic error. The thief replies, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Which of the following will do a better job of frightening a man away?
"Get away or I'll call the police!"

or

"I love you and want to marry you and have your children."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How come there's no female bear living in Yogi's cave?


A: Last time there was they made a boo-boo.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street..."
The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"
"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"



"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.



After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".



If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.