Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How can you tell when a woman is about to say something intelligent?


A: She starts out with, "A man once said...."

 

[01dragonslayer]

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed upon you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit, as a limited offer. You have thirty minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment. They looked all around, at their own bodies and back at each other.
Smiling, they then ran to the nearby woods and dove behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. (Angels aren't naive.)
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh yes!" the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL dump on its head."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with he

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde's car gets a flat tyre on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A vampire joke
What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!

A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!

A ghost joke
Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!

A vampire joke
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!

A ghost joke
How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music!

A vampire joke
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay!

A witch joke
What's the best way of seeing a witch?
On the television!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box.



His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
Thats not all, says the doctor. You dont even want to know how they make their condoms!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Yo momma so ugly when she looked in the mirror it cracked!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

...There's a pause...

The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young man, chewing a sweet, went into a jeweller's shop to buy an engagement ring.
Jeweller: "18 carats?"
Customer: "No! Humbugs!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,



there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that theres good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, Were going to have to remove your legs.
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.
"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."

The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.

When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.

Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"

A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No! My girlfriend goes to Wesleyan!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract
his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on
the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no tissue
paper in this one either."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract
his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on
the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no tissue
paper in this one either."