Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

an elderly lady went to a meeting of her bridge club and during the conversations, told her colleagues that she had found a lump in her left breast two days before.
"But," she said, "I am delighted that I learned it was my belt buckle!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.




"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

 

[01dragonslayer]

John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"

The other two just howl with laughter.

Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"

That one nearly slayed 'em.

Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do a mopeds and fat women have in common?


A: They're both fun to ride until somebody sees you.

 

[01dragonslayer]

One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.

The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.




It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.

Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.




Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? I shrinks two sizes.

It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.




I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why didn't they invite the giraffe to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"
Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?" He repeats.

"Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.

"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."

 

[01dragonslayer]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place."

She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Business One-liners 104

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.

You can't fall off the floor.

You can't get here from there.

You can't guard against the arbitrary.

You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.

You can't push a rope.

You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

 

[01dragonslayer]

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"My other car was a bicycle last time."

 

[01dragonslayer]

You Know You Live in San Francisco When...

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class - but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

 

[01dragonslayer]

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied ... "but what is growing in your butt?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the pig say on a hot summer's day?
I'm bacon.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Short Irish Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, Whats taking so long? Hit the damn ball!
The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.



Forget it, man, says his partner. Youll never hit her from here.