Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

The difference between theory and experiment
A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man--a theoretical physicist--on his hands and knees under a street light, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician replied, I'm looking for my car keys. Being a helpful sort, the fellow started searching, too.

After a time he asked, "Are you sure you lost them here?"



"Of course not" replied the theoretician. "But at least there's light here."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Australia?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!

 

[01dragonslayer]

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.â€

 

[01dragonslayer]

Son Says: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad Says: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway...

Mom and dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.




As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Answering Machine Message 214

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde goes to her doctor complaining of body pains.
Her doctor asked "Where does it hurt?"

She touches her elbow and says, "here." She then touches her

knee and says "here too."

The doctor asks if it hurts anywhere else.

She says it seems to be everything she touches hurts.

The doctor says, "Well there is your problem. Your finger

is broken."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why should you never play games in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.

 

[01dragonslayer]

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest. Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'. The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.
"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend. You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."

The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex. Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.

When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex. The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way. Later yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.

Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"

A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No! My girlfriend goes to Wesleyan!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

hooters has opened a casino in Las Vegas. This is one casino where gamblers don't mind going for bust.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Hearing Aids
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit.

A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned the spit belonged to the thief and took a DNA sample.




Tobacco spit was also found at five other crime scenes in the area. The DNA in all of them matched.

The police had a suspect for the robberies and got a warrant to test his DNA. Voila! It matched. They are expecting a conviction.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.

When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.



"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.

"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Haven't got a clue," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please."
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000."

The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?."

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?

A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!


Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.


Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to 100.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying "Our news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get it. What's the punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these? I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?" and accompanied by all of our old favourites like "How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.


Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why do woman have boobs?
A: So you have something to look at when they're talking to you.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."