Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

One day at the office, Michael ran into Dick by the water cooler. Normally Dick who is young, single is energetic all day, but that day he looked beat.
"Hey Dick! How's it going?"

asked Michael.

"I'm not feeling too good today. In fact, I'm utterly exhausted," answered Dick.

"I pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."

"What's a pulled muscle got to do with you feel so tired?"

Michael asked.

"A pulled muscle doesn't make you tired!"

Dick yawned and said, "It sure does if you pull it five hundred times in one night!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why do blondes like sunroofs? More legroom!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A new girl called Carly came to Jimmy's school.
Jimmy really fancied her, but was already going out with Lorraine.
Some time later he heard that Lorraine's family were emigrating.
On her leaving day he went to see her off.
On his way home, he was singing to himself: "I can see Carly, now Lorraine has gone.''

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly mother hadn't had an exam in several years persuaded her mother to let her make an appointment for an exam with her doctor. She invited her to spend the night and offered to drive her to the appointment with lunch afterward.

On the day of the exam, they went together to the doctor's office and while the daughter waited in the lobby the mother nervously undressed, climbed up on the table, and, with the nurse's assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups.

The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then settled onto his stool. "My aren't we FANCY today!" he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet draped over the old lady's upraised knees.

Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant. When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed and rushed out to meet her daughter in the waiting room.

In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said. "What in the world do you think he meant by that?" the mother asked, bewildered.

"I have no idea, Mother. What did you do to prepare for the exam?"

"Well, I showered, and I used some of that feminine deodorant spray in your bathroom," the mother replied.

There was a slight pause as she looked her mother in the eye. "I don't HAVE any feminine deodorant spray, Mother."

"Yes you do-that tall pink-and-gold can."

"Mother! That's not deodorant. That's gold glitter hairspray!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends, which household does it belong to?
Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.



Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.)
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)
Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?



A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".
His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".

 

[01dragonslayer]

"Today at the White House the president pardoned the turkey. This is done every year. The turkey will live out the rest of its life at a petting zoo in Virginia. By coincidence that's the same place that Dick Cheney is at." -- Jay Leno

 

[01dragonslayer]

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."



So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?
A: They forgot the recipe.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."
The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"

The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."

 

[01dragonslayer]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is standing by the fax machine as a co-worker walks by.
"Do you know anything about this fax machine?" the puzzled fellow asks.
"A little. What's wrong?" replies the co-worker.
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?" the co-worker inquires.



"Well, it's confidential, so I folded it in half, like this, so no one else could read it."