Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?
A: Because the sun was out.

 

[01dragonslayer]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?


A: Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Father Murphy walks into a bar and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."



Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Brien and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Brien said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"



O'Brien said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

 

[01dragonslayer]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.
The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."

"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.

"Yes." The doctor said.

"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."

"Why?" asked the doctor

The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food.
"Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves.

The next day the duck comes back. Got any duck food? he asks.

"I told you -- only dog food and cat food."

"Okay, thanks."

The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food.

Now the man behind the counter is annoyed. I've told you for three days running, we don't carry duck food.

"Okay, thanks."

The fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food section."

The counterman blows his stack. You come in here one more time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that?

Next day the duck shows up again.

"What do you want?" the counterman asks threateningly.

"Um, got any nails?" the duck says.

"No, no nails."

"Okay, got any duck food?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.



"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

 

[01dragonslayer]

"OLD" IS WHEN - Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN - Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN - Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are not sure these are jokes.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."

 

[01dragonslayer]

One day a little boy went up to his mother and asked her, "Mom how old are you"? all she said was oh you dont need to know that right now. So the little boy aked another question.
"Mom how much do you weight"? Again she said you dont need to know that right know that right now. So then the little boy asked "Mommie why did you and dad get a divorce"? And her responce was the same. The next day the little boy came up to his mom again and say oh mommie I found your drivers licence. I know how much you weight now. The mother asked how much and the little boy said 150. Then he said and i know how old you are. your 45. Then he said and i now know why you and daddy got a divorce. She said oh ya. He said because you got an F in sex!

 

[01dragonslayer]

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
Driver? Can I drive for a while?
Sure, says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
We got somebody really important here, he says to his partner.
Who is it? Is it a senator?
No. More important.
The president?
No. More important.
An ambassador? Who?
I dont know. But the Pope is his driver.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Stupid Statements famous people made

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.




"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.




"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle




"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 

[01dragonslayer]

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.



FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.



TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house