Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing -- it just waved!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.




Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.




If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.



Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.
Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know. I forgot my calculator at home.
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please."
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000."

The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?."

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."

 

[01dragonslayer]

a man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. (So, how is this different than any other time a man is driving? -- Ray) Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.
From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later



to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back



into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I have five siblings . . . three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last.



She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years . . .

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

 

[01dragonslayer]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

People are like plants -
some go to seed with age, and others go to pot.

 

[01dragonslayer]

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

 

[01dragonslayer]

There once was a woman from Eeling,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She layed on her back,
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling!

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Biology Song 03

ODE TO A CLONE
By John Scalzi
(This originally appeared in America Online's "Howdy" area on March 6th.)
Oh clone, my clone, how can you bear it
To exist knowing you have only one parent?
No zygote you, when haploid cells met
You were produced with a full chromosome set.
And now I can see that you are confused
To discover your genes have arrived slightly used.
To answer your questions is the aim of this poem
You who are like me, my clone, oh my clone.
You were not produced from between sweaty sheets
In fact, you arose from cells scraped off of my cheek.
Your genes gently placed in an egg we provided
And then shocked with a current until they divided.
You sat there a while till it was time to fish
That thing that was you from that petri dish.
(And though it may seem churlish at this time to mention,
we suspect that the dish had post-partum depression).
Oh clone, my clone, don't feel angst or feel grief
Because the genes that you have are not bought but are leased.
You have no mother, but that's no impediment
Indeed, you've bypassed the whole Complex of Oedipus.
To your one parent you can always relate
To do otherwise is a form of self hate.
Who can tell us apart when we answer the phone?
No one at all, my clone, oh my clone.
Think of all the experiences we'll have!
(That is, once they allow you to go from the lab).
I'll take you to places that I've already been
So you can see them once more for the first time again.
Let's go to work, where I think we will find
That we'll get twice as much done in just half the time.
And should we play tennis, our opponents have troubles



As they must play singles, but we shall play doubles.
Oh clone, my clone, I see you are vexed
By ethical issues admittedly complex.
If you are my clone, are you wed to my wife?
And would having two husbands cause marital strife?
Suppose that we clone her? Then what would that be?
Bigamy, polygamy, or polyandry?
Oh, the guilt I would have would go to the bone
If I accidentally slept with your wife, oh my clone.
Perhaps it would be better if we lived all our days
Away from each other -- and go separate ways.
I would stay here and live with my mate
And you would take yours to some other state
Perhaps to Alaska, with Northern Lights blue
To live off the land, in a hut or igloo.
And with a deep sense of pride all my friends would be shown
Many pictures of your house, a Nome clone dome home.
Oh clone, my clone, you impressive feat
The one person born with no help from gametes.
When you have troubles getting yourself to sleep
Do you think on your compatriot, Dolly the sheep?
It's true that we both share our genetic information
But I know that your mind performs its own peregrinations.
In the end I am me, and you are just you alone
You are your own person, my clone, oh my clone.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" says Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past thre Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

 

[01dragonslayer]

You might be a redneck if 50
You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

 

[01dragonslayer]

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, pharmaceutical company, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.