Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

An old woman walks into a butcher shop and asks for a New Mexico duck. The butcher grabs the nearest duck and hands it to the old lady. She puts her finger up its ass, pulls it out, smells it, and says, "You must be new here because this is no New Mexico duck." The butcher replies, "Yep, I am new here." The old lady comes back with, "Well, where are you from?" The butcher drops his pants, spreads his butt cheeks and says, "I don't know, why don't you tell me."

 

[01dragonslayer]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man's big rottweiler has been losing its vision, so the owner brings the dog to the vet. The veterinarian picks the dog up and says, "I will have to put him down." The owner asks, "Why? Because he's blind?" The vet replies, "No, he's heavy. I need to put him down."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a djinni appears and grants them each three wishes. The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible. Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail. The snail says, "Hey man, what did you do that for?!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The priest's parrot replies, "Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two flys are out on a date, so they go out on the town and see fresh dog poop on the side of the road. They rush down and start feasting, when one of the flies stops and has the biggest relieved face. The other fly asks, "Are you okay?" The fly responds with a squirmish smile and the other fly smells something funky and says, "Dude, how rude! You fart while I'm eating!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

There were three pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The second pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The third pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, and was just going to leave. The bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom, the third little pig said, “No, I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve ducks here." The duck says, "I'll pay you $20." "Your money isn't good here." "Then put it on my bill."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Life is like fighting a gorilla, you don't stop when you get tired, you stop when the gorilla does.

 

[01dragonslayer]

One night a Deer, a Skunk and a Duck went out for dinner at a restaurant. When it came time to pay, the Skunk didn't have a scent, the Deer didn't have a buck, so they put it on the Duck's bill.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What does a cheetah say when someone looks at it?
A: "I've been spotted!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."