Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."

 

[01dragonslayer]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
A: "Oh sheet!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."