Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.

 

[01dragonslayer]

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What is Mozart doing right now?
A: Decomposing.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies?
A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

[01dragonslayer]

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

 

[01dragonslayer]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.