Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Marriage Invitation!​

I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."

I read it again and again. Was getting confused...

Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend

 

[01dragonslayer]

The picky princess and Peasant John​

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom ruled by a kind but ageing king. This king had a single daughter, beautiful and clever, but incredibly picky regarding suitors.
At first, the king entertained many foreign princes and young nobles, seeking the hand of his daughter in marriage. However, the princess insisted every potential groom be put to a mysterious test of her design, and none of the suitors returned from a walk in the park with her.

Gradually, the nobles and princes stopped visiting the castle, and the old king began to despair. Will his daughter ever find someone worthy enough to inherit his kingdom? So he let it be known that anyone, no matter his birth or station, can try his luck.

And so it came to pass that Peasant John arrived to brave the princess's test. The princess took him for a walk in the castle gardens, passing the time in pleasant conversation, until they came to a pond full of crocodiles.
The princess slipped a ring from her slender finger, threw it into the pond, looked at Peasant John and said "Pull it out!"

Peasant John didn't hesitate and pulled it out. And the princess said, "Finally! All the other idiots jumped into the pond

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Army major is assigned to a troubled base​

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the major calls for the sergeant, who arrives and tells the major, "I'm the sergeant, but everyone just calls me Biff, we're pretty casual around here!"

"So I see," the major says, "tell me about this base".

"Well sir," Biff begins, "It's pretty chill. For instance, every Monday after chow, we load up on beer and whiskey and we just get screamin' drunk. It's a RIOT!"

Major: "Young man, there will be NO consumption of alcohol on this base!"

Biff: "It's all cool dude, TUESDAYS... man, Tuesdays! We grab a bale of the local weed, smoke up, eat Cheetos and laugh or asses off til sunup! Wait til you try it!"

Major: "There will be NO ILLICIT DRUG USE ON MY BASE!"

Biff: "Woah. OK, but Wednesdays are still cool, right? We get a dozen of the local hookers in the mess tent, and we have the most INSANE orgy you've ever seen! Gang-bang-city, dude!!"

Major" "Sexual relations with women, outside of marriage? On an Army base? I'll NOT STAND FOR IT!"

Biff: "Say, you're not one-a-them homer-sexuals, are ya?"

Major: "Certainly not!!"

Biff: "I guess you don't wanna hear about Thursdays then."

 

[01dragonslayer]

An IT technician and his wife go to marriage counseling The IT technician's wife frustratedly explains to the counselor​

"Everything would be fine... but my husband just doesn't want to have sex with me!"

The counselor thinks for a second, then wonders:

"Have you tried turning him off and on again?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I don't understand girls My girlfriend used to say she can't have sex before marriage​

Now she is married and says she can't have sex because she is married

 

[01dragonslayer]

I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with someone​

sex is way more fun when I'm cheating on my wife!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.​

She didn’t have to hear about his mom’s cookin’ and he didn’t have to hear about all the other men she could have married.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.​

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of danger he could imagine.

He announced that the first man to successfully swim across the entire pool would inherit his Kingdom, his throne, and his daughter's hand in marriage.

Before he could even finish his sentence there was a loud ***SPLASH*** and every one *gasped* at once.

All that could be seen were arms and legs rolling across the surface of the water as a blur swam faster than anyone had *ever seen.*

Finally, after nearly a minute of frantic swimming, out popped a **dwarf**, only 3 and a half feet tall.

Everyone was *shocked.*

As the regal King approached the man, he stared in amazement. *"What a mighty man this must be!"* he thought to himself.

The dwarf was hunched over, hands on his knees, gasping and huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. The King said, "Sir!! That was the most amazing thing I have seen in my entire life! I knew this challenge would reveal who the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in all the Kingdom is! And even *more so* for a man of your short stature! Please! do you have anything to say?"

In between gasps, the dwarf said, "Yea......"

>!"Who the hell pushed me in!?"!<

 

[01dragonslayer]

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.​

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

 

[01dragonslayer]

An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...​

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life from a would-be assassin), he always ended up helping her/enabling more exploits.

One day, his sister met an 80-year old billionaire and began dating him hoping to cash in from his Will when he croaks ("hopefully soon" as she put it). She told Arti this on the phone and he immediately becomes wary. "Sis, you know this is a bad idea. Once again, you don't know what you're getting yourself into!" She blows him off, enjoying her 5-star hotels and private jets, and then the big day came - the old geezer proposed with a diamond the size of a ring pop. She enthusiastically said "Yes!" and they married on his private island in the Pacific. It was a ridiculous sight - a slumping, 80-year old magnate and his beautiful, dolled-up bride, 50 years his junior.

But things change very quickly. Before the marriage, she was living lavishly - using his platinum credit card to her heart's desire, driving luxury cars (or better yet, being chauffeured), and traveling the world in style. But after the honeymoon, the geriatric fat-cat laid down some rules for his wife - a $5k monthly LIMIT on the platinum card, ONE international trip per year, chauffer only on WEEKENDS, and more - it was too much for her to bear. And even worse, his health was seemingly improving! He was always bragging about his perfect health report from his doctor and even running 5ks and swimming laps in their indoor pool. He had top-of-the-line medical professionals and physical therapists on call 24/7 for any slight deficiency or physical malady. "I can't die! My work is too important!" he would joke, but his wife started to think it was true.

After a year of this, Arti's sister called him up. "Brother, I can't take this anymore. He tracks me everywhere I go, limits my spending, I can't even have my girlfriends over to our private cocktail bar! I feel like a prisoner. You have to help me..." "And what do you propose, oh genius sister of mine?" Arti replied sarcastically, having heard this plea many times before. The phone went silent. "Arti I...I need you to kill him." Arti hung up. He wouldn't entertain this. But his sister was desperate. She called back repeatedly and insisted on her demand, pestering him for months. "If you kill him, I'll give you any sum you need to leave the country, form a new identity, live on a remote island - anything you need! The Will is going to make me a fortune enough for both of us!"

After months of thinking, Arti once again failed to say no to his helpless sister. He agreed to one last assassination, then he was done helping her for good. He began tracking the old man's routine, following his entourage discreetly trying to find the best method to take out the businessman. He discovered there was ONE occasion when he was all alone - each week, there was an Amish farmer's market he would go to anonymously to take in some privacy and brush shoulders with the common folk. There were lots of stalls and trailers and carts that obscured everyone's view. With his fiber wire, a well-timed strangulation would take less than a minute and he could walk away in the crowd, home free.

Then the day came. He followed the old man through the farmer's market, ensuring no guards were with him. Then, after a half hour or so, the old man turned a corner toward the edge of the market and Arti's heart began racing. He couldn't believe his luck - the old man...was going to take a piss! He intentionally walked to a place out-of-view to relieve himself and Arti took his chance. His fiber wire was around the old man's neck one second, and the job was done. His arteries had been severed and he bled out before he suffocated. Arti turned to make his getaway in the blended crowd and froze - a man with an armful of corn was staring at him - a witness. Arti had no choice. He lunged forward with his fiber wire and strangled the life out of the witness as well - but not before the victim was able to let out a warning scream and attract attention. The plan failed. Arti tried running away, but his escape was foiled due to his partial disability and he was in police custody within the hour.

To make a bad situation even worse, the old man was never planning on making his sister a rich widow - she found a hidden copy in his safe, which read, "to my selfish wife: I've always seen through your cold, material heart, and to teach you a lesson, I leave you $1.00." A billionaire and a blameless bystander - dead for so little. While the plotting widow would eventually become infamous, initial reports focused solely on the double-murder, as summed up in one newspaper headline:



"At the Farmer's Market, Arti Chokes Two for $1.00"

 

[01dragonslayer]

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:​

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

 

[01dragonslayer]

Last night was the first night ever in a 20 year marriage me and the wife had sex with the light turned on...​

I always assumed she used a strap-on.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Arranged Marriage​

A guy meets three potential girls on a couple of dates to decide his bride for an arranged marriage. His friend asks, “so how did it go?”

Guy: “Well, I decided to do a little experiment. On first date, I gave each of them $1000, and then asked them what they did with it on the second date a week later”.

Friend: “that’s weird. But what happened??”

Guy: “First girl brought me new clothes, cologne and shoes, and said its your money so I wanted to do something nice for you”

“Second girl brought herself a new dress, makeup and shoes and said I wanted to look nice for you”

“Third girl said I invested the money, so that it will grow and help our family in the future”

Friend: “so, whom are you going to marry??”

Guy: “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.​

Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the knob to get into the house.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke’s marriage was falling apart?​

“Use divorce, Luke”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Looking back on 10 years of marriage​

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transplant some bees to a new hive. When we arrived I was surprised that out of the group the keeper picked me to dawn the traditional safety measures (IE: gloves, full suit and mask/head covering). Apparently my job was to grab any bees that stayed behind and didn’t naturally move to the next hive. As the keeper smoked the hive I could tell my services were going to be needed as quite a few stuck around and refused to inhabit the new location. I was instructed to “just grab them” and “put them into the new hive”. I was extremely apprehensive as I have a small fear of being stung. Not wanting to look like a wussy on our first date I jumped in and grabbed a large handful of writhing and angry bees that I thought for sure would be my demise. Standing there, with these wriggling dangerous insects in my hands I happened to lock eyes with my soon to be wife and I remember it like it was yesterday. Her hair shined in the sun and she had a radiant glow about her. I couldn’t look away, the keeper had to eventually jump in and guide my hands to the new hive out of fear of losing them. Out of the entire date I walked away with a passion for her and a new understanding of life and love. Beauty truly is in the eyes of the Bee Holder.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.​

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. She's intrigued by all of them and then sees a bird as big as a bald eagle, but that looks like a parrot with all its colors. She asks the store clerk what the bird is, and the clerk replies,

"Oh, it's a goony bird! We just got it from Siberia! It's tame really, go on and pet it!" So the woman did, and the goony bird affectionately rubbed its beak against the back of her hand.

"That's not all it can do!" continued the clerk. "These birds, aside from being loyal to their owners, are also used as protection birds! And so the clerk said,

"Goony bird! The shelf!" And the goony bird extended its large wings to their full span and flew over to the shelf across the room. It then proceeded to destroy and demolish the shelf. Once all that remained of the shelf was a pile of kindling, it went back to its shelf.

The clerk continued, "Goony bird! The birdcage!" And so the goony bird destroyed the metal birdcage.

The woman bought the goony bird instantly. She went back home to find her husband, no surprise, sitting on the couch, watching the big game.

"You're back," he grumbles, barely looking up. "Have you got any salsa and chips for me? The cabinet's out of it."

The woman smiles. "Honey, you won't believe what I got from the store! It's a goony bird, from Siberia!"

The husband snorted with his usual put-down tone. "Goony bird, my ass!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

The First 3 Years of Marriage​

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is kissing a tractor​

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Did you know that Marriage is like a Tornado?​

At first there's all this sucking and blowing, then eventually you lose your house.