Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

What does rain do before marriage?​

It precipiDATES!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Marriage Advice​

It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."

To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a moron?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.​

And I'm left with the maniac.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Though he passed away decades ago, I really think my grandpa would have supported LGBTQ+ marriage in all of its forms.​

His motto was "Fuck everyone.".

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man's wife died after 20 years of marriage​

His best friend comes check on him 2 days after the funeral:
- I brought you some lasagnas as I am sure you did not cook this week. I hope you can at least get some sleep... Do you sleep well?
- yeah, I sleep like a baby.
His friend is astounded:
- really?
- yes literally, I sleep one hour then cry one hour, then sleep one hour then cry one hour...

 

[01dragonslayer]

An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage​

He went to a lingerie shop to get a sexy lingerie for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.

Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought “He does not have a great eyesight. I will go naked and he would not even know”. So she entered the bedroom naked.

Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, “Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it”.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Hurricanes are a lot like marriage​

First there’s a lot of blowing. Then your house is gone.

 

[01dragonslayer]

After 20 years of marriage.....​

A woman finds out that her husband has been using a strap-on for the entirety of the marriage, so she confronts him. "What's with the strap-on?"

To which the man replies, "What's with the kids?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.​

Blame her and her mother.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do."​

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do."​

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

My wife and I went camping to save our marriage​

It was an in tents situation

 

[01dragonslayer]

How is marriage like a Hurricane?​

In the the beginning you get blown a lot

and it ends with you losing your house.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...​

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.

“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.

“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”

“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said no.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

People say the first year of marriage is the hardest​

Trust me, the last year is way, way harder.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Well after 20 years of marriage, my wife caught me cross dressing and unfortunately its over....​

So i packed up her clothes and left.

 

[01dragonslayer]

For my decade on Reddit here is my favorite Will Smith joke​

It appears Will Smith’s marriage is open to everything except JOKES

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.​

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”. The young Italian girls sheepishly walks up the stairs. She comes running back saying “momma I can’t do it, I’m too nervous.” The mom said “I’m cooking, you need to go up there and fulfill your duties!” The daughter comes bolting down the stairs 5 minutes later and exclaims “Momma Momma, he has a foot and a half!” The mom calmly put her towel down and said “you finish cooking, I’ll take care of your wifely duties.”

My papaw told me that joke a week before he passed away. Still cracks me up.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The last patient and philosophy of marriage​

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...​

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."