Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.​

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak...

 

[01dragonslayer]

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse​

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r>
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving around the corner as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way.

I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...​

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the hot tub say to his spouse when he found out she was cheating?​

J'ACUZZI!

 

[01dragonslayer]

NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument​

lets put a plug in it

 

[01dragonslayer]

Just desserts​

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Programming logic​

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?​

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

 

[01dragonslayer]

Just as quarantine ends, you win your choice of an all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere in the world for you and your spouse, or a steak dinner with your friends. Which do you choose...​

(a) medium rare,
(b) medium, or
(c) well done?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Woman tries to cut off spouse’s penis but misses and hits his thigh​

She was charged with a missed-a-weener

 

[01dragonslayer]

Husband wants to have sex with his spouse​

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Be nice to your spouse.​

Remember, during these times they can poison you and it would be counted as COVID.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...​

You are dis-engaged.

 

[01dragonslayer]

How do trucks get spouses?​

Pickup lines.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.​

He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My spouse wanted to try some kinky fish/fisherman role play last night.​

I'm hooked

 

[01dragonslayer]

Spouses are like mosquitoes​

We don’t really mind them if we don’t have to listen to them.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If you could take your spouse's brain and put it in the body of any any celebrity,​

you would probably get arrested for double homicide, you fucking psychopath.

 

[01dragonslayer]

After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."​

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do accountants’ spouses say to fall asleep when they have insomnia?​

“Sweetie, tell me about your job.”