Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222​

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an encoded message, meant to a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation, shortly after 2 agents are dispatched to the location.

After some hours of work and observation they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message, the president eventually calls again and says:

Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.

The 2 agents recorded the enigmatic message and after some more frustration, they decided to call in a specialist in Portuguese language. The specialist after learning of the situation decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president room.

Wen the specialist got back he explained:

All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room. Two tea, to two two two.

 

[01dragonslayer]

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.
The other 35% were women."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Spouse #1: "I love you."​

Spouse #1: "I love you."

Spouse #2: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Spouse #1: "It's me. Talking to the wine."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?​

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If you and your spouse get amorous in a hammock…​

Does that make you swingers?

 

[01dragonslayer]

After 15 years of marriage you find out your spouse had been with hundreds of men before you got hitched.​

Is this a big deal or is my wife overreacting?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Struggling to think of a Christmas present for your spouse?​

Get them a fridge, and watch their face light up when they open it

 

[01dragonslayer]

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.​

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak....

 

[01dragonslayer]

Suspecting a Cheating Spouse​

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r>
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving around the corner as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way.

I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...​

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What did the hot tub say to his spouse when he found out she was cheating?​

J'ACUZZI!

 

[01dragonslayer]

NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument​

lets put a plug in it

 

[01dragonslayer]

Just desserts​

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Programming logic
The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?​

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

 

[01dragonslayer]

Just as quarantine ends, you win your choice of an all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere in the world for you and your spouse, or a steak dinner with your friends. Which do you choose...​

(a) medium rare,
(b) medium, or
(c) well done?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?​

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...​

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.

I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven​

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that means here you will have a 2 bedroom apartment and a Nissan to move around. Next up, Moe, you cheated on Linda, your wife for 25 years a total of 20 times, you will live in a rundown studio in the worst part of heaven and drive a 74 Pinto.

Now Joe, you were married to Jane for 30 years and Never were you unfaithful. Not even once. You will therefore have a Beachside Luxury penthouse, VIPs to all of our celestial nightclubs and a brand new Lambo.

After a couple of months go by Moe is driving his Pinto and sees Joe in his Lambo on a red light crying his eyes out. He says “hey Joe what’s with the tears man, you got all this nice luxury items for all eternity, you are friends with all celestial celebrities, why are you crying??”

Joe replies tearfully: “I just saw Jane Homeless, moving around on a Skateboard”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Always remember that you have better taste in things than your spouse​

If your spouse has better taste, they wouldn't have chosen you