Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

What did the cannibal say as he took his spouse's thigh out of the refrigerator?​

Today is the first day of the rest of my wife.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?​

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I'm so jealous of my wife​

She did a much better job of picking a spouse than I did.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Donald Trump is proposing the extermination of all those with coronavirus so as to be able to marry their spouses​

I guess he hasn't heard of the Bible where it says "Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour's wife"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents​

They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

 

[01dragonslayer]

They just passed a new law preventing a spouse from harming individuals when they are caught cheating.​

As they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why do Patriots fans make the best spouses?​

Because they don't mind if you cheat.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?​

Getting off on the wrong foot.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My spouse is an English teacher.​

She sends me a text complaining about how her students aren't understanding some of the basic rules of English grammar. I responded back saying, "There, their, they're, it will be okay."

 

[01dragonslayer]

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."​

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.​

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the other, then go to the office to do some work.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do South Koreans call their spouses?​

Seoulmates

 

[01dragonslayer]

Did you hear about the two people with OCD who were cheating on their spouses to be together?​

It was a sorted affair.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...​

You are dis-engaged.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man's life can be summarized in the question, 'Where are you going?'​

He spends the first 25 years of his life with his parents asking him this question, the next 35 years of his life with his spouse and kids asking, and in the end, the mourners asking the same question

 

[01dragonslayer]

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…​

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbles Saint Peter, shaking his head. “If you are sorry for your infidelity I will grant you access to this heavenly course and some golf clubs.”

“Oh I am very sorry” replies Frank. Saint Peter nods, and hands Frank a bag of old, wooden golf clubs.

Ron steps up and receives the same question from Saint Peter, “How many times?” Ron answers sheepishly “I was unfaithful twice and for that I am sorry”. Saint Peter hands Ron a bag of gently used Titleist clubs.

Steve’s turn. Without skipping a beat he beams with pride and states that he was never unfaithful. And so Saint Peter hands Steve a brand new set of Callaways and opens the gates for the three to enter.

All three are enjoying their round when, out of nowhere, Steve crumples to the ground sobbing. The other two run over to see what’s wrong. “Dude, what’s going on?” asks Frank, “you were faithful and you have the nicest set of clubs on the course, what could possibly be bothering you this much?!”

Blubbering loudly, Steve manages to say “I just saw my wife out on the course!”

“That’s great!” exclaims Ron.

“No it’s not!!!” cries Steve. “She was playing golf with a pool cue and a hockey stick!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A concerned friend asks a guy why he just endures his marriage with an abusive spouse.​

He just shrugged it off and says, "beats me."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...​

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Monogamy is having one spouse. Polygamy is having more than one spouse.​

Monopolygamy is marrying the Monopoly Guy.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do you call a spouse of 30 years?​

A stalemate.