Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.​

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American woman empathizes with her, saying,

"My ex did the same thing, and now he won't talk to our daughter, either!"

At this point the two women are getting quite hot-headed. The third, from Slovenia, is still married but is unhappy with her spouse.

She starts talking, but then the bartender, worried the situation will keep escalating, stops her and rolls his eyes at the three women, saying,

"Look, ladies. I get what you're saying, but you're preaching to the choir. We all hate Trump."

 

[01dragonslayer]

I've got a story...​

So I'm real good friends with this guy named Juan Ted. Now, Juan is a pretty amazing guy. He can steal ANYTHING he wants to. Literally anything. It could be the shirt off your back, the wallet in your pocket, or I'm even sure he'd find a way to steal your house (And your spouse too). So anyway, one day Juan and I are sitting around watching TV, and they announced that the hope diamond will not be on display anymore and is now getting moved to an undisclosed location. So as we hear this, Juan says "I'm gonna steal it". Now I know how good Juan is at this kind of stuff, so I just tell him good luck and he goes on his way. Eventually he narrows his search down to a small cave in South Africa. When Juan gets there, he doesn't see any guards or anything outside the cave, so he just walks in assuming he was wrong about where the diamond was. He wanders around for a while until he sees a long lit hallway with the hope diamond at the end of it. Confident in his abilities, he strolls over to the diamond and picks it up before realizing its a trap! Suddenly, red lights flashed, armed men came running out, sirens went off. You could hear one of the men say under his breath "We finally caught Juan Ted." But Juan, being the best thief in the world, said "Not quite. On the count of three, I will disappear." As the men looked around confused, Juan began to count. "Uno. Dos." And he disappeared without a tres.

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do Chinese do when they have an election?​

They go to their spouse.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.​

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goes first and fails the test, as he cannot bear the thought of killing his wife. Dan goes next and fails, for the same reasons as John.

It is now Sarah's turn and she heads inside the room. The door shuts. Gunfire is heard, followed by shouts of frustration. Banging on the walls ensues. A few minutes later, Sarah emerges from the room, wipes the sweat from her forehead, and says:

'Gun was loaded with blanks. I found another way.'

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)​

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know."

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancee, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancee. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law."

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glove compartment.

 

[01dragonslayer]

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.​

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Smith family is having a reunion.​

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.

Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me fart"

 

[01dragonslayer]

The whole family are having breakfast together when…​

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.


His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.


The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A family is visiting a museum in the US​

Soon, they see two skeletons and the father asks the museum guide:

\- Whose skeleton is this?

\- This is the George Washington's skeleton.

\- Oh, and that smaller skeleton?

\- That's George Washington's skeleton as a child.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I thought our family was a Dad-tatership…​

My wife now informs me it is in fact a Mom-archy.

 

[01dragonslayer]

As I was introducing my family to our new neighbors, the guy exclaimed, “Wow! Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I chuckled and said...​

“Well, they *were* separated at birth!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.​

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

 

[01dragonslayer]

As a Family we could‘nt decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated​

so we let her live.

 

[01dragonslayer]

There lived a family of the Jacksons...(long)​

The parents ran a nail store, and their son was a marketologist. Once the father said: "We're going on vacation, look after the store while we're gone". Son says: "Dad, I'm a marketologist, how can I sell your nails? I know nothing about them!" Dad replies: "I know you can handle it. Maybe make an ad for our store or something". 5 days pass by, the father calls up the son to check up on him, and the son announced that the storages are empty, and they have to buy more. Dad asks in disbelief: "What on Earth did you do?" Son says: "I just made an ad, like you told me to. You can look at it if you want". Dad looks at the ad the son sent him and sees a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below it says: "Jackson's nails, holding on for more than 2000 years". Dad yells: "You idiot! We're Orthodox, take it down immediately!" The son did what he was told, and another week passes by. Dad calls again, and finds out that the storages are empty again. He asks angrily: "What the hell did you make now?" Son replies: "You told me to take down the last ad so I did and made a new one, look". Dad looks at the new ad. It is now a picture of the cross without Jesus on it. Below it says: "If only they had Jackson's nails..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man is shopping for a dog for his family…
He visits a dog farm just outside of town, and meets with the farmer. The farmer is very helpful, and shows the man his dog cages, where he breeds all different types of dogs.

“Here’s the Dalmatians, they’re $200 each. Here’s the Bassett Hounds, they’re $100 each,” says the farmer. As the farmer is speaking, the man notices an old dog sitting by himself in a cage.

“Why is that dog all by himself?”, he asks the farmer.

“Oh, him? That’s my talking dog. Just ignore him,” replies the farmer.

“I don’t believe this. A talking dog? Can I go talk to him?” asks the man.

After getting permission from the farmer, the man approaches the dog.

“Do you really talk?”

The dog looks up slowly to the man and replies, “of course I talk. I’m 175 years old.”

The man is astonished. “Wow! 175 years old? Really?”

“Yep,” says the dog, “175 years old. I’m a veteran dog. I marched with General Sherman during the Civil War. I fought at Somme in World War I, and I helped liberate France in World War II. I was wounded three different times, and I’ve got 95 children with 40 different women. I hate it here, but I’m an old dog so nobody wants to adopt me.”

“Unbelievable,” says the man, “thank you for your service. I will give you a good home and a family full of love.”

Turning to the farmer, the man asks “how much for the talking dog?”

“He’s yours for $5,” replies the farmer.

“Just $5?”, asks the man.

“Yes, $5.”

“How could a talking dog be so cheap?”, the man asks, pulling a $5 bill out of his wallet.

“Well,” sighs the farmer, “he talks alright, but you can’t believe a goddamn word that comes out of that dog’s mouth.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A telemarketer calls a family’s home phone​

A little girl picks up and whispers “hello?”

TM- “Oh hello little girl, are your mommy or daddy home?”

LG- (chuckles, then whispers) “yes they both are, but they’re busy and can’t talk right now.”

TM- “Oh, okay… is there another adult I can speak with?”

LG- (whispers) yea, there’s a cop and two firemen, but they’re also busy right now. (laughs)

TM- “Oh really?! Well what are they all doing?”

LG- (laughs) “They’re looking for me!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do people from Alabama have instead of a family tree?​

The circle of life!

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....​

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good..! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God..!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ..?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep..?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod..??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam..? Madam..?..... Good Lord, she's fainted..!

 

[01dragonslayer]

The problem isn’t that diabetes runs in the family.​

The problem is no one runs in the family

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army​

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russian side of the border. If you die on the Ukrainian side of the border, then all hope is lost

"If you die on the Russian side of the border, you have two options: either you're buried in the battlefield, or under a tree. If you're buried in the battlefield, then all hope is lost.

"If you're buried under a tree, you have two options: either the tree lives or it gets chopped. If the tree lives, then all hope is lost.

"If the tree is chopped, you have two options: you will be made into pencils or paper. If they make pencils out of you, then all hope is lost.

"If they make paper out of you, you have two options: you will become writing paper or toilet paper. If you become writing paper, then all hope is lost.

"If you become toilet paper, you have two options: you will be placed in the men's room or the women's room. If you're placed in the men's room, then all hope is lost.

"If you're placed in the women's room, you have two options: you're going to be used on the behind side or the front side. If you're used on the behind side, then all hope is lost."

"And what if I get used on the front side?"

"Well, Vanya, that's basically the same as getting married."