Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.​

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, “Don’t stop, be Lee, Ving”, “Hold on to that fee, ling.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.​

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...​

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

 

[01dragonslayer]

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...​

We all forgot to show up.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.​

What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.​

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”​

I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

An old Irish man from a traditionally catholic family is lying on his deathbed​

All his family is gathered around them, when he tells them: „I have one last wish: I want to become a protestant.“
His family members are shocked, since they are all deeply catholic, but the man insists and it’s his last wish, so they get a protestant pastor, and the man became a protestant, the pastor cheering with joy, that someone from that family decided to become protestant

After the pastor left, the family members ask the old man: „But why? Why did you become protestant?“

With his last breath, the man replies: „I thought it would be better one of them dies!“

 

[01dragonslayer]

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.​

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, nobody would lease him their house because the homeowners feared the children would wreck the place.

Harry couldn't say he had no children, because he wouldn't lie and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So one afternoon, Harry sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children. He took the remaining kid with him to his appointment with a real estate agent for a showing of rental homes.

Harry loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

"Twelve," Harry said.

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best sad look, answered: “They're in the cemetery with their mother.”

Harry got the house.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I took my family out for an expensive meal the other night and surprised everyone by ordering in French.​

It was a Chinese restaurant.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer​

They’re hundreds of trilobites

 

[01dragonslayer]

there was a family of moles-​

Mum, dad and little mole jnr. They were digging their way home after a hard day's mole-ing, all hunched up in a tunnel. Dad at the front, digging hard, mum close behind, and at the back was jnr. Suddenly jnr says "mummy, I can smell treacle!"

Mum tells Dad - " eerm, Junior says he can smell treacle"

Dad ignores her.

Jnr is a precocious mole doesn't like being ignored. "Mummy, I really really can smell treacle"

Mum- "jnr is very insistent that he can smell treacle".

This time dad stops digging and turns to jnr "son, you're a big mole these days, nearly grown up. You can dig well, you can hunt for food, but I can't believe you haven't learnt to tell the difference between treacle and molasses...

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Truth About My Jokes​

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two things: First, I'm not a father, so I don't think that label quite qualifies. However, second, if we grant that it does, considering the negative response towards my jokes.


Are they faux pas?

 

[01dragonslayer]

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.​

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander​

All it did was strain my voice

 

[01dragonslayer]

Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan
Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I have been making jokes every time I see him. I'd say things like, "Hey! Lunch is on me today!" and "I bet you'd like a nice juicy steak about now!". Sometimes I would walk to my car patting my belly after breakfast. When I went to get my mail the other day, I was eating an apple and ran into him. I took a big bite and said "mmm, so good" and laughed my arse off. Now, I though all this was just a bit of friendly banter. Just some ribbing going on between friends. But I clearly took it too far.

See, just today he comes up to me and says "Brother, I just thought I would let you know, this Friday evening my family and all our friends will be breaking fast with a huge barbeque. We will have a goat on a spit. We will be grilling steak and lamb chops all through the night. We will be cooking high quality sausages. We will be using all sorts of spices and marinades. Even with us all there, there will be more meat then we can all eat. You are more than welcome to join us"

Cheeky bastard knows I'm Catholic.

 

[01dragonslayer]

a 17 year old and a pharmacist​

A 17-year-old walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. After that, I hope it comes to the extreme, if you understand ..." The pharmacist says, "I understand. I suppose you could use condoms? Here's a pack for you." The young man thanks him and pays. On his way out the door, he stops, smiles mischievously, walks back and says, "You know, the mother is quite a sweeper, too. I think I'll take another pack, just in case."

Evening comes and the boy is sitting at the dinner table with his girlfriend, her mother and her father. The family is religious, so the mother asks the guest to say grace. The boy firmly closes his eyes and prays and prays and prays. After a while, the daughter leans over to him and whispers, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy says, "And I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.​

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family. After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.” The wife then introduces him to the children. The parrot says “You have very nice children.” Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”

 

[01dragonslayer]

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.​

What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”​

I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”