Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning​

Runs in the family

 

[01dragonslayer]

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.​

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this happen? Can he even get the courage to tell him that everything he’s doing is absolutely terrible? One of the regulars comes up to the bar and sits down to talk to him. ‘’So, Jim… what the hell is this?’’

The owner explains to him the whole situation. How he found the man online, that beautiful ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’ rendition, his tragic story as a retired judge that always wanted to be a musician, and how he’s now stuck, having booked him for 9 more shows for the next 2 weeks. The regular scratches his head, thinks for a while and shrugs before declaring:

‘’…And that’s why you should never book a judge by his cover.’’

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed​

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
r>“And is my daughter here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Daddy. Oh please don’t leave us!”

“And are my grandchildren in here with me?”

“Yes, grandad!”

“Then why is the feckin light still on in the front room?”

 

[01dragonslayer]

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.​

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.​

Papaya

 

[01dragonslayer]

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.​

You might say it’s a “family air loom.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....​

From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics...​

I bet you they have a few skeletons in the cupboard.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"​

"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Traditionally, we always have a family Christmas jumper...​

...It's always my job to talk him down :/

 

[01dragonslayer]

Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party.​

It was a total buzzkill.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Christmas Cheer​

Just texted my Girlfriend to see if she was coming over tonight after her family Christmas celebration.

She texted, "Let me guess, Netflix and chill."

I responded, "No baby, I upgraded to Disney Plus and Thrust"

 

[01dragonslayer]

How do you get a nuclear family?​

Splitting an atom family.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If a family with a mother, father, and child is called a nuclear family...​

...why isn't incest called radioactive dating?

 

[01dragonslayer]

The theory goes, that surnames often come from the job of your ancestors.​

What on earth did "Dickinson" do?!

 

[01dragonslayer]

My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.​

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I asked the genie to revive one of my oldest ancestors, to see what life was like when they were around.​

Let's just say, it was a pretty fishy chat.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two people are discussing their ancestors who lived during world war 2​

Girl: my grandparents were in a concentration camp

Boy: so was my grandpa, he died there

Girl: aw that’s so sad

Boy: yeah, poor guy fell out of the guard tower

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.​

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared.
It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Who was first in Transylvania?​

Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.

He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.

When he got out of the lake - armor was gone, sword was gone and the horse was nowhere to be found.



Now you tell me - who were the first in Transylvania, Romanians or Hungarians?