Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.​

I refused to come inside

 

[01dragonslayer]

Family vacation​

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet monkey.

Police investigate but can't find a reason for the crash. They bring the monkey in for questioning.

Police: What were was the mother doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes applying lipstick using the rear view mirror.
Police: Ahhh she had the mirror turned. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were the kids doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes kids fighting.
Police: Ahhh- The kids caused a distraction. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What was the Dad doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes drinking out of a bottle.
Police: Ahhh. The father was drinking. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were you doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes holding a steering wheel and driving.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.​

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

 

[01dragonslayer]

I was seated next to my ex and her family on my flight to New Zealand​

Auckland!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Family are arguing at the dinner table​

Wife says to me “Remember, don’t take sides this time”.

Me, slowly putting potatoes in my pocket: “Why not? This is the perfect opportunity!”.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.​

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,000 a year, but you’re not giving any money to charity!” he told her. “Now, I happen to run a very credible charity, and…oh look! I live right next door. Tell you what: you write me a check for $1,000 right now to help my charity, and then I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

The politician gasped, very offended. “You think I have money just sitting around to give to charity?” she said. “Were you aware that last year, my father lost his house in a fire, and everything he owned along with it?”

“Um, I didn’t,” said her neighbor.

“And did you also know that my daughter got into a horrible car accident last year, having medical bills several times her annual wages?” she went on.

“Er…no, I’m sorry…”

“And that my sister had her husband walk out on her, leaving her penniless with three children?”

Her neighbor, now very embarrassed, said, “Oh, my! I apologize. I had no idea what was going on with your family members!”

And the politician continued: “And so… if I didn’t give any money to them, why would I give any to you?”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?​

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.


Then young Juan knew his destiny.


Time passed and Juan slowly learned the art of magic. First pleasing friends and family with simple sleight of hand, before going on to grow older and begin entertaining patrons of the local bars with illusions and escapology.


By the time he was 20 he had toured through all of Mexico. From Aguascalientes to Zacatecas and all places inbetween. His fame in the country of his home soon brought a talent scout from America seeking him out.


Before he knew it, Juan the magnificent was on a whirlwind tour of the US, Europe and beyond treading the very same boards that his inspiration Harry Houdini once stodd upon.


This went on for some time, until Juan reached the mid point of his life, when he soon saw dwindling numbers in his audience. The cheers were not so loud and his fame had begun to fade.


Juan needed a new trick.


The next great trick.


It would be his greatest achievement. His crowning glory. His final act. The one they would speak about for generations to come.


As Juan passed his 63rd birthday, the stage was set. The final performance of the legendary Juan the Magnificent. One night only.
The theatre was sold out. People in every seat. People stood in the aisles and sat upon the floors eager to see this last performance.


The lights dimmed and the orchestra began to play. The curtains opened slowly revealing Juan the Magnificent. He stood in the middle of the stage, dressed in the finest black silk three piece suit, his top hat upon his head.


The stage lights came up, and with a dramatic flourish Juan the Magnificent swept his hat off his head and stood, arms outstretched as the crowd roared with delight.


Juan the Magnificent stood and basked in the warmth their cheers gave him. As the cheers softened and eventually quitened, Juan the Magnificent took a grateful bow.

Juan the Magnificent, straightened. Placed his hat back upon his head and cried out

"UNO! DOS!"


And he vanished without a tres.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Little Timmy and Little Mandy were playing together at the kindergarten.​

Timmy says to Mandy, “When we’re older, let’s get married!”

Mandy turns to him and says, “I’m sorry Timmy, I like you and all, but I’m not allowed to marry you.”

“Why not?” asks Timmy.

“Because in my family, we have a tradition of only marrying each other. It’s gone back generations.”

Timmy is stunned. “You only marry within your family?”

Mandy replies, “Yeah. My mom with my dad, my grandpa with my grandma, my uncle with my aunt…”

 

[01dragonslayer]

My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...​

I asked her what she found so funny?

"Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.​

We don't talk about Uno.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Who is a penguin's favorite family member?
Aunt Artica

 

[01dragonslayer]

Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it​

Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <br>“Ezra, please go get me a plate of your mothers brisket. I want nothing more in this world than I want a plate of that brisket for my last meal.”
“Ok, grandpa.”
10 minutes pass and Ezra comes back empty handed
“Ezra my boy. Where is the brisket? I don’t have much time left and that’s the only thing I want.”
“Sorry, grandpa. Mom says that that’s for after the funeral.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest​

mom and dad

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.​

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A traditional Thanksgiving joke​

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."

 

[01dragonslayer]

At a funeral, a man asks the family of the deceased if he can say something.​

They say yes, so he stands up, clears his throat and says "Optometry".

The family looks confused, so he explains, "It means eye care."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert​

When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up on the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”

The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”

The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”

the husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.​

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<br>
The bull ends up costing exactly $599, but it's the cheapest one the stockyard has, so the brunette buys it, and goes to the nearest city kilometers away to contact her sister.



With only $1 left, the brunette is shocked to find out that the telegraph office charges $0.99 per word. Having no other way to bring the bull back except by dragging it across the harsh landscape, she commits to her decision.



"Greetings, I'd like a telegraph sent to my sister to go get our family carriage so we can haul the bull back home."



"Okay. Our cost is 99 cents a word."



"I have... 1 dollar here."



"1 dollar? That's one word, then."



"Send her the word 'comfortable'."



"Comfortable? H-how does that tell your sister that she needs to get the carriage and come over to haul the bull back to your home?"



"She's blonde, and she'll read it slowly... come-for-the-bull."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Agreement​

My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.​

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”
When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.
The Secretary then asked her,
”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”
The woman replied,
”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!