Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?​

the spouse comes home.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Till death​

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his life and never even thought of another woman, so he was granted a brand new Corvette to drive for all of eternity.

*The second man*: He was a very good man. He Had one moment of weakness and cheated on his spouse but was forgiven and continued to live a life of faithfulness afterwards. For this, he was granted a used Ford pick-up truck to drive for all of eternity.

*The third man*: This man was intolerable. He had cheated on his spouse every chance he had gotten. For this, he was sentenced to drive an old beat up junker for the rest of eternity.

A few days later, the man in the junker glances down the highway and sees the man in the Corvette crying! The man pulls pulls up and proceeds to ask,

"Why are you crying? You have a wonderful car to enjoy for the rest of eternity! What could possibly be so troubling?"

The man in the Corvette turns and answers in a sobbing reply,

"I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

It’s normal for married couples to fight.​

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...​

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.​

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious figure who went by the name of Arty.

Arty explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse with $5000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he collected his wife's insurance money. Arty insisted on being paid something up front, so the husband opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside. Arty sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Arty followed the wife to her local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor, unsuspecting wife drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Arty had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Arty, the entire proceedings were captured by a hidden camera, and observed by the store's security guard who immediately called the police. Arty was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning in the police station, Arty revealed the sordid plan, including the financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why the next day in the newspaper the headline declared:

Arty chokes two for a dollar at Safeway.

 

[01dragonslayer]

So you’ve got a green beret, a Navy Seal, and a sister from Brooklyn​

A general is recruiting for a team of his. The general hands each of them a gun and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kill them.

Immediately the green beret says ‘No sir, I could never kill my wife. I just can't do it’. General looks at him and says ‘You know what? You ain't got what it takes, take your wife and go on home’.

Navy Seal then heads in, 5 minutes later comes out tears strolling down his face. ‘I tried, I tried, I tried, I just can't do it, she looks so beautiful on the chair, I can't do it!’ General looks at him and says ‘You know what? You ain't got what it takes’.

Finally, sister from Brooklyn strolls in with a swagger. Blah blah bang! Shots rang out, there's banging, there's screaming, it's going crazy! Then suddenly, everything goes silent. General says ‘Well what the hell happened inside?’ Sister from Brooklyn screams back ‘The damn gun had blanks in it so I had to beat the man to death with my bare hands!

 

[01dragonslayer]

What movie did you go see?​

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on our way home, my Dad called the house to let them know, and my mom answered the phone. She asked what movie we saw.

Dad: "Debbie Does Dallas in triple-D!" (For the record, my Dad has never shown or stated an interest in skin flicks. He said he saw one when he was in college, and found it boring.)

Which was an entertaining answer, just about guaranteed to yank any spouse's chain. My mom won the exchange, though.

Mom: "Did you take notes?"

It was a good thing Dad was driving, and not me, as I promptly fell over (as much as one can while a passenger) laughing. There wasn't even a pause between my Dad's statement and my Mom's response.

Miss you, Mom.

 

[01dragonslayer]

The stupidest joke I'll ever make​

An Italian man is married to his American car. They've been having financial problems, but the car wants to do something special for their new Mexican neighbors. The car asks "How about we throw them a party?"

To which the Italian man responds with "No"

"Why Not?" says the car spouse

The Italian man says "Because we just can't a-ford-a-fiesta!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Satan appears to a lawyer...​

...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.​

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Weatherman are listed below.


Things Mr. Denny Weatherman has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what happened.


5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.


6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.


11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the *Mission: Impossible* theme.


12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"


And last, but not least ...


15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.​

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t build a highway that goes around the entire world!”
The devil snaps his fingers, and instantly, a road appears that circles the globe. The first man expires on the spot from a mixture of thirst and despair.

The second man, looking at the corpse of his friend, thinks for a minute. He thinks of his job, his family, his friends, and the life he has to return to.

After spending some time drawing figures in the sand and doing some calculations, he hesitantly says, “There’s no possible way you can build a ladder that reaches space.” But the devil simply smirks and taps his pitchfork on the ground, and at once, a ladder to the stars appears. The second man perishes where he stands, muttering the name of his wife and children until his last breath.

The third and final man calmly looks at the bodies of his companions and sits down in the sand to brainstorm. He thinks of the time his spouse first kissed him, the moment he first saw his son, and the last words of his late father telling him how proud he was of him.

Having made up his mind, he quietly tells the devil, “First make a chair.” Puzzled, the devil creates a simple wooden chair.

“Next, poke 20 holes in it about an inch in diameter.” The devil follows these instructions. The man suddenly pulls down his pants, sits on the chair, and passes a loud fart.

As the devil looks on in amazement, the man stands up and asks “Which hole did I fart through?”

So the devil points to the hole three rows down, in the second column. “That one.” And sure enough, it is.

But the man smiles and bends over, pointing to his rear, and replies, “Wrong - I farted through this hole.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

CIA Entrance Test​

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to shoot their spouse, to see how good they are at following orders. After several minutes, the applicant leaves, in tears. "I can't do it," they say. "I'm sorry," says the CIA examiner. "I guess you don't have what it takes to be in the CIA."

The next applicant is called into the room, and after being given the same scenario, he too leaves the room, in tears. "I just can't shoot my wife," he says. "I love her too much." "We understand," says the examiner, "but you don't have what it takes."

Finally the third applicant is ushered into the room. Almost immediately, there is a sound of rapid gunfire. After a few moments, there is a loud calamity followed by banging and things breaking. The applicant finally emerges from the room, disheveled. "What happened?!" exclaimed the examiner. The man replies, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks - I had to beat my wife ro death with the chair!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...​

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

 

[01dragonslayer]

Three men meet a weird car salesman.​

Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shall give you a vehicle that's fitting for you.

Confused, but intrigued, the men agree. The salesman then asks the three of them the following question:

"Have you ever cheated on your spouse?"

The first man replies that he has never cheated. The salesman hands him the keys to a Ferrari.

The second man replies that he has only been with one other woman, and only one time. The salesman hands him the keys to an SUV.

The third man replies that he is currently cheating on his wife with his secretary. He is given the keys to a minivan.

The first man can be heard crying. The other two men ask why, when he got the best vehicle.

First Man: My wife was here last week, and she returned with a pair of roller skates.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.​

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.

She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.

The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.

She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

In love and war.​

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.​

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

 

[01dragonslayer]

3 Men die and go to heaven...​

3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First man steps up and St. Peter says, "Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."
Shawn grabs the keys and takes off down the road.
The second man steps forward.
"Ok James you too have been faithful here are the keys to your McClaren F1."
James snatches the key and disappears promptly.
The third man slowly shuffles forward...
"Kevin it saddens me to see that you have committed adultery twice, you must drive this 1989 Accord with only spare tires."
He too leaves.
When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees James and Shawn but Shawn is clearly angry, Kevin asks what's the matter to which Shawn replies, "I JUST PASSED MY WIFE ON A DAMN SKATEBOARD!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

How to cheer up your spouse​

A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was.

"It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with".

His wife said "I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up".

The husband replied "I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today".

"I think I can make you smile with my right hand".

"Not a chance" was the husband's reply.

"What about if I use both of my hands"?

"Nope, it was a really bad day".

"How about I use both my hands and my mouth"?

"That's not going to do it either".

Finally the wife says "how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue"?

The husband says "OK, let's see what you've got".

The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt!

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom​

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds herself a man, and she marries. They too have a little girl, also named May. May Elizabeth III.

May Elizabeth III found herself a husband, and they married. She wanted to keep her maiden name, but her spouse wasn’t too fond of it. May Elizabeth III pleaded, saying that he will understand in a few years. He finally agreed, and she stays May Elizabeth III.

They had a child, and again named May. May Elizabeth IIII. 16 years into the future, and it’s prom night. A nice young man shows up at the door, ultimately asking May Elizabeth IIII to prom. He asks both of her parents, as they stand beside her, if he has permission to take their daughter to prom.

The father is about to say something, but she stops him. He is confused, but notices May Elizabeth III has a smirk on her face. Her face lights up as she says: “May the fourth be with you”